Living with depression and anxiety

I slowly awoke, knowing my husband was already up and out of bed before I opened my eye to the evidence of such. There was a niggling feeling, so familiar to me but yet indescribable.

"damn, today of all days, the only day of the week I have free, to be spent with my husband, and I feel shit. The day is ruined" I thought.

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You see I suffer (along with many more health issues) with depression and anxiety. I need no triggers to be walking in the mist of a dark stormy cloud, it is just a whim of my brain.

I am sitting on my lounge chair with a spectacular panoramic view and my precious beautiful ragdoll cat keeping me company after what anyone would call a pleasant morning routine. However I am close to tears, enraged and in dispair.

I started my day with a lovely greeting from my husband, once I was in the kitchen. An Earl Grey tea ready for my consumption and a little plate of nibbles.

We carried on with our morning feeding the horses, did a little cleaning and added to our compost bin. All this time hubby worried and fussed over me as he does each time I am down.

Lovely, I couldn't be luckier to have such a supportive caring husband. But it doesn't matter my black stormy agrivated brain does not respond to such love, as my normal cheerful self would.

I reason with myself that I'm being silly I should smile back and praise his efforts to comfort me.
"move on, go forward, make this day as wonderful as all the other days with him are when I'm feeling 'normal'".

But no, it doesn't matter how hard I work at faking it till I make it, it just doesn't happen.

So, yes this beautiful pleasant sunny day, will be wasted on me. As all I will see today, is misery.

How's that for a first post? 😮