It's Ok To Be Sad - Take 2
Hey guys,
Everyone was telling me that they couldn't see the vid and I realized that it was done broken.
So, hopefully this re-upload works.
I wanted to repost it, because perhaps the title was misleading before...
I am not temporarily sad.
It's not like I have had a few bad things happen and maybe things will improve soon.
I am clinically depressed, straddled with a crippling illness, and I may always be...sad to some degree. Part of me anyway. Grieving for the life that might have been, and trying my best not to ruin the life that I have, especially while it's still not as bad as it could be.
My heart is breaking for the life that I wanted and is now out of my grasp. Things I wanted so badly and will never have, no matter how hard I work for them. It is hard to understand if you aren't me. They don't seem like a big deal, for sure, but I have always known what I wanted to be, and feel like I have had to reinvent myself over and over just to keep from losing my sanity.
I think life is definitely about learning. I am trying to figure out what things I am to learn from all of this. Humility has been a big one, patience is another. Determination is something I have always had, and it has been rather useless actually. I think I am being thrown into learning characteristics that I am weakest at. The biggest so far has been control.
I want to have control in my life.
I feel lost without control.
What I am learning is that, I control very little. So. Very. Little. The more I understand this, the easier things get, even if just a little bit.
Anyway, I won't babble on here any more, hopefully the vid works now and you can watch that!
xx~Beth
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I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with MS and depression. I found the story of you wanting to be a police officer interesting because I feel the same thing about a few other things like programing and being a doctor. I don't even like to program but for some reason I will get pulled back into the idea of really diving deep into it and coding something amazing. With being a doctor it is more about that I think I'm smart enough to have done it but it wasn't a plausible path for me. I usually talk some sense into myself about both of those things and right now I actually have somewhat of the ability to be a full time content creator but I keep making up excuses why not to do certain type of content that I really have always wanted to. We can really get in our own way a lot.
I can understand how it would be scary to think too much about MS progressing.
In regards to you saying that you have always been driven but it didn't ever add up to anything..... well you are doing way better than me at consistently posting videos. It is hard to stay active and motivated at it.
Yeah I don't know why it's always appealed to me, but it just has. When my friend, who is a detective with Mesa PD, tells me all of his gory stories, I'm actually just kinda jealous. Hahaha. What a weird life, man.
Being a doctor is a loooong path, but a noble profession. I can see the attraction there, and you are more than intelligent enough.
Yeah, the idea of other people having to take care of my eventually, that's a no-go. I will die before I let that happen. I have always been a really independent person and I don't see that changing any time soon. I know that sounds dramatic, but like, for the same reason I have filled out a DNR, I don't want my family to have to take care of me. The last thing I want to be is a burden. It's like, my biggest fear.
As far as posting videos, we are dying financially, so like, being behind on bills is a REALLY great incentive to at least try to hustle and grind!
Thanks for responding. You're very sweet.
Beth,
As one who also deals with clinical depression and a chronic disease, I understand what you are talking about completely.
You have a virtual ear to bend in me if you ever need it. Thank you for being so brave to put this out there and talk about it.
Your virtual friend,
Joe
You actually have a great strong will and determination. I didn't know about your health and you have been so busy and active. Mehn, you're an inspiration to me right now. If you can pick up strength to carry on, to hell with my family problems that has almost choked me up. I will endeavour to be active and focused too.
I send you God's grace and healing.
I'm so sorry to hear about this. Physical strength was something that I wanted as a teenager because after being dragged off the farm into inner city Syracuse back in the 1970's, I lived in a dangerous neighborhood. Mom got divorced and the neighborhood which was mostly Italian thought I was gay (long story). They used to beat me up. So I started lifting weights and finally I was strong enough for payback. Then they left me alone. But the mistake I made was to allow them to change me.
What you wish for (feeling powerful and in control) is an illusion. I know it makes it no easier until you've experienced it. Sometimes you actually have to go through it to eventually realize that what it is, is impossible. The reality was that when I was benching 400+ and 600+ deadlift and squats, that was when I was spiritually the weakest. That was also when I became useless in fighting the bad things in the world because I was so monstrously strong that evil would avoid doing the obvious (where are the cops when you really need them?). Instead what it did was isolate me. That's what really happens to the strong. It's in the nature of the story between the tiger and the dragon. Lorenzo who was even stronger than me felt isolated even more...
(passed on Dec 2, 2017)
Now I'm a diabetic with nerve damage and afib, but I can't say I'm unhappy. The only thing is for me is that I think it's downhill from here for me and I think all the time about the day I have to bury my father.
American culture has given us some really warped values. We are not in harmony with nature and the rest of the world is building up an immune response to our disease of ego, force, excess, etc.
This is what is more important to me than anything in the world...
(unfortunately they're all gone too)
I've had one foot in the world of the living and the dead since about 2009. It's a time of transition. If there's meaning to all of this, we'll find out.