My niece ask me...

What I thought about her college english final writing assignment. I told he she did great, she had shared her story with the Classmates and Teacher and was a exceptional achievement. Allysa is my favorite niece, she calls me about 4 times a month and share her aspirations. I told her if she wanted, I would post her final draft here on Steemit if she gave me permission. If you got the time and would like to help her to grow her writing please leave reply as to what you think about her nonfiction story.

Author’s Note
In this class, I learned many different styles of essay writing and how to communicate in
different ways. During the beginning of the semester, I did not have a very wide range of craft choice ideas and my essays were usually full of sources lead by a tone mocking some author of a textbook- they were not very fun to read unless one was looking for a debate game. This class widened that range for me, I was pleased to see that there was a lot more individuality to writing essays than the story itself. In my essay, I originally had a giant excerpt of the neuroscience behind the main character and not as much emotion as justice would have enjoyed, so I decided to break the page limit, withdraw the science excerpt, and braid it into essay with more emotion. The easiest craft choices to spot are my titles, I used a quote by “life” (The words from her wind) that spoke to me during a rough time, “You’re going to be happy, but first I’m going to make you strong”. Another craft choice I made was personifying universal energies (nature, time, life, etc..), this is my way of allowing the reader to think in the same interconnected format as myself, something that I have spent a long time building up to. There is also a lot of symbolism in my paper, though I’d like to keep them to myself, my curiosity overwhelms me to see which minds will catch on and which minds will persist. It is hard to decided which author inspired my craft choices, I’d say a mix of all the essays I’ve read in class mixed with the comfort I developed to open up about an event that I feel passionately about- it was a bit of a struggle to take people’s advice and reveal EVERYTHING, but I decided to let go and give them what they wanted and that has helped me grow the most as a writer.
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Final Draft:The words from her wind,...
“Can I just pick you up on christmas?” he asked, “that’s my only time off work..”
There was no way I’d be able to keep this trip a secret, not if I left on christmas. I didn’t want the judgment, I didn’t want the fights, the arguments, the second-hand doubts, I didn’t want to hear, ‘Just because you’re an adult now doesn’t make it a good idea to go across the states with some guy you’ve never even met’. They would never understand the attachment. I hardly understood it myself.
I had already told my family some bullshit story that I’d be leaving to Washington D.C. for a few weeks during christmas break with my friend, Jasmine, as a guest to fresno state’s rugby team. There’s no way they’d believe that we had to leave on christmas under any circumstances I could come up with, “I Can’t leave on christmas, my family will be pissed.”. He paused for a moment, “I’m leaving my family on christmas too..”
There’s no such thing as a successful lie, the truth will always surface with time. I knew this, I was just hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with it until later in the future. Nevertheless, I was willing to walk with this entity known as risk, “Okay.”
“You’re going to be happy,...
I was watching Jasmine and her younger cousin play fighting on the bed in front of me in
a house I had never been in before. I had different breeds of excitement and fear playing in my solar plexus. Hand gripped tightly around my phone, I tried to soften the unique anxiety by concentrating on the two heathens in front of me, having what seemed like the time of their lives. I would have joined in, but I guess I didn’t want to ruin my hair ... I mean the mop resting on my
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head that I refer to as hair. I allowed time to roll by quickly in that moment, it didn’t slow until I received his message, it almost stopped in fact. He’d just got into town and checked into a hotel.
I immediately told Jasmine, who was the only person at the time who knew everything about what I was doing and why I was doing it, and within minutes, we were out the door and on our way to the hotel. In the backseat of the car, I had my giant, bright red duffle bag with a miniscule amount of clothing, my favorite jewelry, my closest stones, and, of course, my tarot cards. I had never really packed for a trip like this before, my selection went something like: here is what I need for my body, here is what I need for my mind, and here is what I need for his mind. I planned on reading him, I wanted to know as much as I could about him and my plan was to do it by scan of subconscious subliminals casted through cards and through his unique psychology. Don’t let me mislead you though, I'm the real psychopath here, I’d go insane before I find these answers - it wasn’t easy finding them, and sometimes I even wonder if it was the right choice to do so.
After arriving in the parking lot of the hotel, I eagerly opened the car door and hopped outside. Jasmine grabbed my giant bag from the backseat and we shuffled to the doors of a Holiday inn. “It’s room 208... he said the door is open for us, he’ll be in the shower.”, I tried to talk to break my boiling anxiety, I wanted to both puke and go run a mile at the same time. Excited and terrified. After finding the ground level elevator, we both stepped inside of what seemed like a purgatory before the second floor. The only calming feeling I had was the fact that I still had time to pull myself together between that point in the elevator to the time we find room 208 and he gets out of the shower. The elevator doors soon opened and directly outside of the
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elevator hallway, is the room with a card stuck between the door and its frame. I was basically frozen, if it wasn’t for Jasmine bursting through the door and into the room with all of my stuff, I’d like to have never moved from that position. I ran in after her, I didn’t want to be alone with my anxiety for even a second, I needed to calm down. The bathroom was right beside the entrance, we could even hear the shower water going, so we decided to settle farthest away from the entrance. I watched her set my bag beside the king size bed, covered in white sheets with a tightly tucked white comforter on top. The room was dim lighted and fairly large, it was a relaxing environment to be in, I tried very hard to focus on that. Jasmine and I were sitting next to the window on the wall opposite the entrance, looking out onto the street that we drive on close to everyday. From that perspective, it almost seemed like it was turning into a monument for this memory.
She did silly things to break the ice I was forming, if I can laugh, I can melt it away almost instantly. At some point in time, I texted him saying that we were in the room, but I don’t know if he heard us laughing before reading that or vice versa. We heard the shower water stop and I felt my heart drop, I was still smiling but only because it was frozen on my face. Jasmine’s head snapped towards the bathroom and she quickly ran towards the entrance to turn off the light. She said, “let’s do something funny for when he turns on the light to see us!”. I laughed and agreed, but then she jumped onto the bed in some weird all fours position that just looked fucking crazy and I immediately sat back down just dying of laughter. Suddenly, we hear the door to the bathroom open, the light and steam from inside flooded into the room as he walked out. I watched in intriguing horror.
“Why are the lights off?”, he laughed, “this is kinda scary..”
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She jumped back off of the bed just before he turned them on. He stood just a couple inches taller than me from across the room, short black hair, at least 13 shades warmer than my paper white skin, and locked brown eyes. I mean locked with mine. I tried not to make too much eye contact, I’m so awkward, I thought one of my eyes would randomly start twitching like some tweeker or something ,out of my luck, that wasn’t cute. I often looked to Jasmine, hoping she’d say something or do something for me to laugh at. Somebody do something. Suddenly I hear her whisper super loudly, “ he’s short!”, and he snaps,”you’re short!”. I start laughing my ass off for another 30 minutes or so because I was close to jumping out the window at that point. It was an awkward conversation between me and Jasmine, and Jasmine and (We’ll call him Jacob). I was too scared to talk directly to Jacob, I’d smile every time he said something, but I wouldn’t reply unless he asked me a question. At some point during that conversation, he’d sat down at the foot of the bed for awhile, and then decided to get up and walk towards me. I was uncomfortable with the shortening radius between us at first, but when he was close enough, I decided to give him a giant hug, he smelled like a comforting shower, his body felt slightly overheated and his frame fairly built, not much squish to the hug. I remember being scared to let go and having to face the consequences of my bravery, holding on for a little longer than I probably should have, and thinking about Jasmine watching us awkwardly. Eventually I let go and I immediately turned towards Jasmine,
“I have to get back to my family, they are already mad that I was late once today”, she walked past the bed towards the entrance, “I’ll see you in a few weeks, have fun!”. She turns to jacob, “Take care of her.”
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After she left, I found it a little easier to face him. We’d spent the rest of the night getting to know eachother more than what we’d acquired over the previous years we’d spent in each other's heads. His body language and tone of voice seemed very gentle, thoughtful, and patient. For these reasons it was easier to spend that night enfolded by his arms, fetal position against his warmth, it was possibly the first time I had ever been that comfortable. Yet it was a hard night for me to sleep, I had so many questions running through my mind, I did not want to sleep, I wanted to do anything but sleep. I tried to stay as still as possible nevertheless to allow his peaceful slumber to remain, he’d just finished a 24 hour drive, and we were on the face for another the next morning. I was going to leave my family, friends, and all my memories here in California, and run away with him to Nebraska. Interesting thought to dwell on when you’re trying to sleep next to your runaway partner and can’t get more than a couple minutes of shut eye.
The next morning, we were up around 7 and spent maybe 30 minutes in the hotel before we were outside boarding his truck. A shade of blue that was barely considered dark, 15 different band names in red lettering all over the back windshield, tags from Kansas, that thing stood out more than a middle finger. I remember him receiving a couple calls from back home and telling his friends or family about how he was in Colorado for a couple days. I can’t judge, I lied to almost everyone about where is was going- It wasn’t the slightest bit believable but it worked for awhile.
In my mind, this trip gets split up into fragments owned by each state we passed through. First being from California to Nevada. That was actually a very boring drive, nothing but dry desert and sun. We’d spent that portion of the trip reestablishing ourselves by listening to
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different kinds of music and talking about random things. Our hands were joined to speak through our silent moments. I picked up on the different tones of his voice and at least 10 different things about him started to click together in my head- he is an underlying nerd especially for anime, his favorite thing to do is laugh, he likes a specific genre of metal called djent and likes the singers to have almost a wailing type of scream if not normally singing (as much as he liked to make fun of emo people, he was secretly emo himself), I could also see his stand-offish characteristics as well as his romantics, I’d take them all. The most simple things a person does can give off macro detail of who they are.
By Nevada to Utah, the sun was setting. The majority of Utah was sunny and populated with red hues of massive rock, desert, and canyon along with whatever life settles within. I wish I could have admired her a bit more but the night came quick enough and soon all I had to notice was the night sky through the windshield and whatever the headlights revealed. If I can say one thing about Utah, she embraces her dark divinity, she sleeps well.
At some point I had fallen asleep against his arm while holding it from the passenger. I was eventually awaken to his slight movement while shortly arriving into a snowy, crisp Colorado. I was exhausted from sitting in the passenger seat for 10 hours and Jacob had downed at least 10 RedBulls to keep functioning. It was still dark out, nearing midnight.
He noticed me awake and softly says,“If you want to see the rockies, we can get a hotel for the night and finish the drive tomorrow morning?”
I love nature, at least one of my souls gets left in damn near every mountain I visit. I pondered a bit, I really wanted to lay in a bed and I wanted to see the beauty of Colorado, but I also wanted this long drive to finish ASAP. What’s the rush though? I began to think about what
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would happen when I was finally in Nebraska. Having to settle into his apartment, meet all his friends, possibly his family. Honestly, I just wanted it to be me and him. Maybe I want this trip to be a little longer. “Yea, I think that’s a good idea.”
Finding a hotel is almost never a chore, we just chose the one with the most comforting name and booked a room. When I got out of the truck, I gave myself a couple moments to appreciate my first fresh steps in the state of Colorado. Crunching the snow beneath my boots as loud as I could, breathing that fresh crisp prana drifting down through the rockies. I couldn’t see her, but I could feel her and I could hear her. He came around the truck with my giant duffle and his backpack and started towards the doors of the hotel, I skipped along behind. Once we got inside the hotel and in the room, We settled in and I hopped in the shower. The whole room was half the size of the hotel room back home. It was very small and cramped inside the bathroom. My shower consisted of quietly rushing to finish it and trying to find something to wear to bed. It doesn’t sound like it would take that long, but it felt like hours in there. I pulled out all of my clothes and the more I looked, the more upset I became. I didn’t bring anything nice to sleep in, all I had were some loose sweats and an old cut up band tee. I didn’t exactly want sex appeal but I also didn’t want to be that much of a turn off. Fuck it, I threw the sweats and band tee on. I shoved all my stuff back inside of my bag with the exception of my brush, and I opened the door to the bright vanity just outside.
I began to brush my hair, trying to pretend like he wasn’t sitting there from the bed watching me look like crap. I did my normal routine of brushing my hair, flipping it over, scrunching it, and getting it all wild and such so it dries like my signature mop. Just as I was about to brush my teeth, he came inside the hallway of the bathroom and vanity and wrapped his
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arms around me from behind as I was facing towards the mirror and sink, trying to brush my teeth. Squeezing me fairly tightly, cheek pressed against mine. Part of me adored him, and the other part of me was in defense mode. Not against him, but against the stronger feelings that had given me no choice but to fall deeper. He eventually turned to the shower, I finished brushing my teeth in silence and quickly ran to the bed, slipping underneath the heavy covers. My entire body hugged the mattress, I remember just trying to stay awake until he came back into the room. I must’ve fallen asleep though because I only recall waking up encased by the thousand pound, dark red comforter along with at least 5 different white sheets beneath, and somewhere within those folds, softly by Jacob’s warmth.
I let my thoughts wonder for the next hour, again trying to be still, to not disturb that present and acknowledge what I was doing and where I was physically. Time brought his phone alarm once again, and we were out the door and back on the road in a matter of 30 minutes. I cannot imagine how this experience would have been warped had I not agreed to see the radiance of Colorado beneath her sun. Just the sight of the foothills wearing their capes of snow was enough to save our morning from any anxiety of what we left behind or what we would come about. Welcoming us further, we arrived to the beginning of the mountains. They too were clothed with snow, showing only parts of their natural skin near ground level, taking on the same hues as Utah’s red fury. There were randomly placed trees amongst the mountains, some still held life, others held just the bark on their branches. I’d love to go back to see their colors of rebirth. If nothing else, I’d like to know their darkest form, the dried, cracked skin that encases their consciousness, eventually comes back to health, nursed by the equilibrium between the internal and the external.
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The drive talked more than the two of us, there was just an inevitable silence at times. In those times, our subconscious would connect, much like a quantum entanglement, we didn’t need to continuously talk. The mountains soon came to an end, as did the foothills, into the beginning of Kansas.
This was Jacob’s home state, his parents lived here, his childhood lived here. He told me long before we met in person that he was a “crack baby”, his mother was on drugs when she gave birth to him and as a result he grew up under the custody of his grandparents and father, which fortunately was in a nice house (nicer than any place I’ve ever lived in). He told me various stories of abuse or, if you will, “harsh punishment”, dished from his father, but I always assumed that it was reasonable punishment, I thought, ‘ yea right, why would your father spend his life working just to give you a nice house to live in along with all the materialistic things you’ve ever wanted, and then turn around and abuse you ’. I, of course, didn’t know these things for sure, but still couldn’t take him serious on it. I suppose I let judgment get the best of me and dismissed his claim whether it was true or not- sometimes judgement is inevitable, I’ve learned meanwhile that abuse is not always what it seems, even if you can only see the ruling monster in infrared lighting, it’s all about perspective, it is still there.
Stepping into his adolescence after graduating high school, his plan was to go to college and study for a major relative to his passion for film editing. He went to a community college for a couple semesters before coming across the opportunity to join the army with his friends instead of paying an arm and leg for schooling, he took it. The next couple years of his life lay within the army until signing out to national guard and partaking part time duty while holding a job back home to balance his life a bit more. He told me, “It was stupid honestly, I joined because I had a
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group of friends who said it would be fun to go in together so I signed myself off not knowing what I was getting into, I hate it now, thats why im doing part time NG.”.
After a couple years of job hopping outside of the army, he found one in Nebraska and had just recently moved there, but he frequently made trips back to Kansas, if not to visit family and friends, for active duty at Fort Riley.
Then came along little old me, 16 and going on 17. I was searching for new music on various music apps and came across a particular group called Monuments, they’re a VERY underrated djent metal band that just seemed like love at first note for me. I surfed around a bit to find their fandom online because I couldn’t seem to find anyone around me who knew the band and I really just wanted to fangirl with somebody. Eventually, I came across a video of one of the band’s older concerts and pressed the like button, not really thinking about the actual owner of the profile noticing. Apparently he did and he shot me a message. Ironically, my first instinct was to block him, I was not about to initiate a conversation with some random, creepy 20 year old all
the way in Kansas and at the time I had no clue he was the owner of the video I liked. But I got a swift kick of energy guidance to give him a chance and I decided to hold a conversation about conspiracy theories and aliens- I’m quite famous for these conversations and I often use them to explore the minds of people. We talked randomly back and forth for a couple months, it’s actually hard to pinpoint where I really started to like him, it was all very gradual. But eventually, I decided that none of my friends or even the people I went to school with had anything in common with me let alone shared my passions, nobody liked my music or my style, the ones who approached me only did it for something as shallow as my appearance. So I gave
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the whole online/long distance thing a chance, and I was happy with it, it kept me focused with my own life while getting a sweet break every now and then. I’ve yet to find anyone better to make me question my actions.
This is not to say long distance was always fun for me, it definitely had its hardships. He was dealing with things that I couldn’t quite touch from my position and come time, he “shut off” his feelings and abandoned me out of fear to isolate himself, something he often did out of depression. He feared the attachment and wanted to cut everyone from his past off to rebirth, to move on to better decisions than the ones he had made in his past -his drinking played a blind role as much as it pains him to admit. His voice sounded heartless over the phone and when we hung up I received the messages, “I had to trick my brain into thinking we were going our separate ways, I need to focus on myself”.
Myself heartbroken and stupid replied,”Temporarily or permanently?”
“We’ll see”, he said.
We ended for a couple months, I was a mess. It was mind boggling how a man I’ve never
met could send me into such shock. Eventually, I broke my strength and struck communication with him, I just wanted answers. To my surprise, he had confessed to craving closure. He told me he had lost all motivation after leaving me and it was the biggest mistake he’d ever made.
We relapsed. I gave him the one condition of meeting me before the end of the year,”I’ll wait, but I won’t wait forever”. Trust was very hard to establish after this, but we made it to this point so it must be okay to reinstate it. Right?
The physical appearance of Kansas wasn’t so special, a bunch of cows roaming in dried fields under a dry sky, random isolated oil pumps, and small towns placed here and there. Quite a
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lonely state. I wasn’t a big fan of this part of the drive, but the state had significance so I took some note. Nebraska soon came about after sunset, not much different from Kansas in appearance or population. I was a bit excited by this point, though still a little nervous on meeting everyone. About another hour or two and we would be at the destination. Carefree.
...but first, I’m going to make you strong.”
The first night in Nebraska wasn’t nearly as scary as I anticipated. Possibly the scariest
thing I did was meet his roommate, who was very nice and nowhere near as intimidating as I pictured. That night we went to bed relatively soon after arriving to his apartment, he had work the next morning and we were both exhausted. As I lie in his bed, I began to reflect back on all the moments we had over the phone. This is where the majority of them happened, this is the setting I’d pictured in my head for so long and I was finally there. I no longer had to project my dreams, I was finally where I wanted to be. I rolled over onto my side to close my eyes and rest my conscious for the night, only then I felt Jacob’s warmth gravitate towards me, his hand softly rested on the crest of my waist. My mind raced to the fire’s grasp around the pit of my stomach, every pulse through my veins feeding it more and more. The passion I felt was dangerous, it’s pain was addicting.
Early next morning, around 6. I feel him carefully leave the bed. It startled me a bit, but I remained still, eyes closed. He was getting ready for work, while I fought to remain conscious. After about 10 minutes I realized I fallen asleep and slowly regained my wakening when suddenly I feel his weight push down next to me on the mattress, followed by a swift kiss on my cheek. Within seconds he was out the door, and I was left in the bed with the reflection of
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everything my life had lead up to at that point. None of this would have ever happened had I not taken him back, and I had no reason to take him back. Things were euphoric in person, but over the phone, there was too much flaw, too many things that I needed from him that were lacking. How was I to know he wouldn’t gradually devolve into that very same flaw in person? “Over Thinking”, he eventually calls it, it’s when we make up problems that were never actually there, it is the root of all anxiety. But thinking back, it seems I was stuck between the gravitation of over thinking and rational thinking, and the difference between the two means the universe.
During this visit, I had the chance to pretend we were a normal couple for 3 weeks. I met his closest friends and family. We ate like pigs and played bartender with each other. We traveled to different cities and went on those spur of the moment dates. We had our cheesy romantic moments. We slept together, shared the most vulnerable physical state of living. I gave him many
of my first experiences. It was all a beautiful resonance and it felt right, it was a bit unreal how deep the connection felt to have rooted.
On the last saturday night, I was sitting on the floor of his dim lighted room with my wildwood tarot cards, which had been basking in the energies of my favorite clear and rose quartzs, along with my obsidian snowflake stones. I shuffled them a bit and called him over to sit in front of me. I handed him the 78 deck of cards and instructed him to shuffle them while meditating on a certain question or problem he wanted guidance on or that had simply just been at play on his mind. As he shuffled the cards, I tried not to observe him too much or do anything that might offer a distraction to his concentration. I ran my fingers across the rough, blue and yellow checked carpet, and inhaled the smell of the tropical island wax burner from the bathroom
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that was connected to his room. That smell would cling to my clothes, my hair, my skin even after leaving 5 states back to California. Eventually he stops shuffling and hands the cards back to me, still warm from the energy by his hands. I laid out 8 cards in the tree of life spread, a personal favorite of mine, and read each of the cards to him in several different aspects, he never told me what he told the cards, and it wasn’t my place to ask as the card reader. I tried to guess what it was but he seemed to be in denial of it all. The cards more or less indicated he was running away from something in his past and that he needed to let go and move on or it would continue to degrade him. But one could argue that, that reading could apply to almost anyone, we all have some kind of a hold on something damaging from our past that no longer serves us.
Time soon brought us the end of those 3 weeks, possibly the hardest goodbye I’ve ever experienced was just before my plane ride home. We arrived to the airport early in the morning, checked my tickets, and tried to eat somewhat of a breakfast. I had a tight knot in the back of my throat the entire time. I was savoring the last gazes I’d ever make upon his physical face and I was trying to note just exactly what his presence felt like so that I could store it in the unshakeable spot within my memory. Time approached undoubtedly faster than usual, her dark hood hung over her face and her pale hand extended in reach for mine and mine alone. I gave him a hug and a kiss and took her hand all the way home.
Within about 6 hours, I was back home and in my room, boxed in the comfort that I, for the first time in my life, was hoping to never have to see or feel again. We constantly assured each other that it was, “just the beginning for us”, for our own comfort, to soothe the painful intuitive remarks in our minds, constantly chanting, you’re never going to see each other again .
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During the next couple months, we were spinning out, on and off. We were no longer riding the spiral together, he was falling behind, and I was trying desperately to pull him closer to me all while maintaining my own balance to satisfy the precise curves of the golden ratio. It felt like a war between myself and pronoia. It didn’t matter how far reality’s claws pierced through me, I refused to allow my pain receptors to acknowledge it. He had too much baggage and it was slowing him down and holding me back the longer I held on. I told him to let go of the drinking, the negative thoughts, to allow me to pull him out of the depression, to find his passion again, his inner divinity. But the distance, the weight, was too much, he was no longer trying to ride faster, he was decelerating, giving up on himself...and us. There was nothing I could do anymore, yet my mind filled with racing thoughts on what I could have done, what I should be doing, I wasn’t strong enough, I was stupid for letting this happen, I was gullible, I deserved to be alone, I
deserved all the judgment I was scared of, and so forth...my head continued to fill until these thoughts had no choice but to spill from my eyes.
A couple weeks passed and soon my anger kicked in, I trudged through the depression tracing through all the times I was thrown into isolation for unappreciated presence, and then called back like a deceived, hungry puppy. I resented all of the breakdowns he caused out of carelessness, all the times I gave him wasted opportunities to help me nurse our bruised, wilting rose back to equilibrium. I felt enraged and full of hatred, something I thought I’d mastered the withdrawal of. This was the first time I’d ever dealt with something like this. It probably doesn’t help that I kept it a secret from so many people too, I only had 1 friend I could vent too that
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would understand and reply with something other than, “ omg just get over him already ughh! ” - that comment would only tell me who to dismiss as helpful in anyway possible.
Despite the anger and negativity, I soon came to realize that he was living in his own misery. That his aspect was far more painful than mine and it would last with him a lot longer than with me. I had timely but temporary depression, he had an entire state of mind that he had been living with his whole life to defeat before he’d ever be able to truly move on to better things. I often still feel the need to check up on him, offer a hand if he needs it, or at least reassure that I don’t hate him, give him any kind of positivity. But I cannot allow myself to believe that I can do life’s work. This is my best conclusion for what I still can’t completely wrap my mind around
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His tree stands tall against a background of overcast and clouds. A deceivingly soft, white sky with several small, cutting silhouettes of black birds fluttering around his canopy. His dried branches reach just far enough to kiss the neighborhood of clouds he lives within, and they love him. In fact so much so, that they feed off of the delicious life from his blooms, casting him offset. He doesn’t see much more than the dead bark on his body, and the seasons will offer no help. Those clouds are there to suffocate him until he decides it is time for the sun.