I Have Been Through Hell and I'm Back - This is my Return Ticket

Hello Steemians

Its been over 20 days since i last posted here because I have been away from steemit and the internet generally. Funny enough I wasn’t only away from steemit and the internet alone, I have also been away from the world and no I didn’t went into space.

For the past few weeks, I have been living in a different world. A world I had no control off, I mean a world similar to hell in my opinion because I couldn’t imagine hell be worse than that.

Its a world of delusion, hallucination, isolation, distorted thinking and boring living.

For these past days I was actually doing nothing more than a boring routine of sleeping and having nightmares whenever I close my eyes and then waking up to eat and that’s all.

It just keep revolving like that everyday for many days. I wasn’t thinking of anything more than those boring activities, the thoughts weren’t just forthcoming.

This is not the first, second or third time I am experiencing this in my life but to be candid, this is the most painful, disappointing and horrible of all my experiences with schizophrenia.

I never anticipated this at a time I was already finding meaning in life. Also its been long since I last experience this and I was already thinking I am free forever from this killing illness.

BUT HOW COME WE CAN’T CONTROL EVERYTHING IN OUR LIVES?

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I want to conduct my life with excellence, I wish to make my life an inspiring message to the world and I want to control everything, but it seem impossible. I really want to; even if it means overloading my body and spirit with stress.

I want to be in charge of everything happening to me. I want to be in charge of my finance, my health, emotions, body, soul and spirit. Maybe one day I will be in control of everything - just maybe if I work more hard.

BUT AGAIN COULD SUCH BE LIFE?

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Such is life or life is short - I don’t really know which is true

There were times in my life when I was living happily and I was like near the goal

There were times when I was good to go everyday

There were times when I feel always motivated and nothing seem like a challenge

There were times I could spend time all day keeping friends and family happy

There were times heaven was like on earth and joy was guaranteed

And There Came Another Time

My life seem to be controlled by someone else and its like I am watching a movie of my life but I wasn’t participating in the movie whereas I would be the best actor to act the interesting scenes in the movie.

Another time I wanted to be the only one in the world because everything else look confusing and everyone makes me frightening

And the worst time was when I felt like “I had nothing to live for so why not die for something?"

BUT AFTER ALL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH

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I can say I have been through what I went through

What I went through can be related to hell

But even after everything; the world is still beautiful

People are still nice

I’m thinking right again

The best of ideas are conceived

Life still continues and things keep changing

Steemit is still here for me to put out my sincere thought to the world

I’m still strong, determined and still me

SO WHAT IS MY CONCLUSION?

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My conclusion is that its good to be alive again, its good to be BANIA again

Its good I can write this though it took time for my brain to figure out how to start writing

Its good that not much has change except my perspective of the world, and except that I am re-determined to be a wonder and blessing to my world.

Finally I can say I have been through hell and I am back - this write-up is my return ticket