confused
heads up
This post is not my usual kind of post, but I felt that I needed to get these feelings out of myself somewhere.
Alright, onwards to the post...
Hello again,
How are you doing? Good. How are you really doing? ...
It tends to be the second question which is missed all too often.
Why did I, out of all the places, bring it up here? Simple, really. I don't know the answer to the second question anymore. I feel betrayed by my own mind, I've given it all it has asked for and yet I still can't get any answers.
Recently my life has been everything I used to dream of — I get to travel, meet new people, work with people I care about, change people's lives (or create impact, whatever that means), and make money on the side to support myself.
You'd think I'd be happy, I did too.
I was wrong.
You wouldn't know I'm unhappy from the outside — I will tell you (steemit included, until now) all about how amazing my year has been, about everything I've learned, taught and experienced. I would leave one part out; I'm not happy.
"Sounds like depression."
"No."
I got the diagnosis at a point when I was really there. I'm not there, I'm nowhere. I took my pills, they worked. Really well.
not all is lost
I do have some ideas though on why how I got to this state. It's not rocket science, after all. I think the answer lies in the fundamental potential difference between where I am and where I want to be.
Let me explain.
I'm an independent person, I don't like authority (different from leadership) and I'm currently placed under a person — my mom — who gets in the way of me being and becoming more independent. I have been here for 19 years and I'm so sick of it.
All my life, my mom has been overly worried about how I'm doing in school and ... wait, yep that's it. Not how I'm doing with what I love doing besides school, just how I'm doing in school. The result of this kind of behaviour is me not being able to talk with the person closest to me about what I truly care about.
About the sparks which light the fire inside my young soul.
Let me rephrase that last bit.
I am not talking to the person closest to me about the subjects and activities I am most passionate about.
That's fucked up.
I don't mean to put my mom down overall. She has given me numerous opportunities, has enabled me to do great things and, in an extremely limited sense, be young and dumb. And that's great.
However, I will never forget the feeling of your closest person not even pretending to care about what you are passionate about. It's a unique emotion that you can not explain.
I strongly believe that while I might not know what specifically is causing the storm of feelings in my head right now, I do think I know what led to my mind being in this state. The lack of affection from those who should care.
the takeaway
To all the future parents out there:
Let your child explore, experiment and be independent.
However, please don't forget your role in the child's life. You are supposed to be supportive (not controlling).
You don't need to know everything about what your child does, but what really matters is that you at least attempt to care. Human connections are vital for development and as a parent, you are the #1 source of that connection for a young child.
Here's one sentence to pull all my feelings together regarding my childhood:
Please, take the time to care.
I know what you feel.
You're one of the few people in my life that I can trust with everything. Thank you for being there. :)
Perhaps your thoughts are beyond her ability/capability to process. If she listens without suggestion, it could be because she realizes you should talk to the people who can help light the spark.
Perhaps the spark will take you far away from her; and, she's not able to accept that just yet.
What you perceive isn't always what is...in fact, rarely is perception accurate. EVERYTHING is an illusion on some level.
Only God is real; and for those who don't believe that, nothing more to add.
And, on behalf of all the people I've listened to, who feel kicked to the curb because their adult children no longer want them around, know that there are two sides to every coin.
Btw, sounds like what's missing has nothing directly to do with your mom right now; but the absence of a loving companion in your life. At this point, I'm sure your mother's distance will become moot.
Peace.
Thank you for reading my post.
I think you bring up good points, especially not having a loving companion in my life. While I have believed for a long time that in order to be happy with a companion, you should be happy alone, I am open to being wrong.
I hope that the situation will improve soon and thank you again for responding. :)
Whoa…You have sent me so many mixed messages I hardly know where to start.
First off, let’s just say if the profile pic is you, the elders would call you a cutie pie. No offense, it’s just the colloquialism of elders.
Secondly, I’m ‘confused’ at the thumbnail of the young woman with the bad mascara. Is this a sublimal? Are you inferring that you are a woman trapped in a man’s body?
Of course, this is a public forum; and the question is rhetorical; meaning, only for you to answer to yourself.
If so, then it’s time for a whole other truth-telling. Shrugging my shoulders here…only the individual knows how to process the truths and when.
But, let’s just say the pic is to just reflect the title, and there’s nothing subliminal about it.
While young, you are still of man age. And, to quote the Bible:
God said, “It is not good for man to be alone”. So, He gave Adam, Eve. (Genesis 2:22)
Be patient; there is an Eve for you. I know this is truth; because God said so. And, when the time is just right she will show up. And, the right time is when you are ready. I don't recommend looking for love; though arguably some have and successfully so. I’m of the belief, just live your life, keep your eyes open, and when it’s time, oft times in the least likely of circumstances, she will appear.
And, as for mother…well, now that you are of man age ;+)…it’s time to prepare for the other thing God says about the topic, when Miss Right comes into the pic:
A man should leave his mother and father; and, CLEAVE to his wife. (Ephesians 5:31)
This means the time is nearing (prolly a decade or less) when the apron strings will have to be cut to live a proper adult life, full responsibility for your decisions and choices. So, it’s a good time to begin practicing for such. Realistically, in this competitive world, most times you will have to be your own cheering squad.
Hope this helps, @axynos! I enjoyed the conversation.
Peace.
Hey!
Sorry for the long answer time, I've been quite busy lately and haven't had the time to sit down and write this out.
First of all, the person in the profile picture is, in fact, me. However, it's a picture of me from 2 years ago when I was still 17.
The thumbnail is not subliminal. I've talked with (and am friends with) a transgender person and I haven't had any thoughts which she did before she switched.
The thumbnail did have a purpose though:
While I don't subscribe to any religion or faith, I do agree with some generalised statements made in the bible.
I do agree that we are all social animals and part of what I am missing is a companion. While there are sources of oxytocin (Simon Sinek has brought up some everyday sources for it), nothing really beats a loving companion in life. And I believe that to be part of what I am missing.
I believe it to be so and I think that my chances will only go up from here as I am looking for a companion, not just a person to go out with.
It seems to me that the vast majority of people in my age group (at least near where I live) are not looking for companionship, but rather a person to go out with, which makes it a little bit more difficult to find a companion.
I do agree with this and am in the "leaving" stage, which is one of the sources of my frustration. While the sources of frustration are not problems which will block me from succeeding in the "leaving" stage, they are obstacles and there seems to be a new one behind every corner. I just have to keep going.
Thanks for the conversation, it's definitely been interesting!
No worries!!! Wow, this has morphed into the whole other conversation. I had to do a top-ten takeaway:
I know, bummer right?
It’s like the alcoholic who denies the bottle; and, the glutton who says no to the cream pie. (See 1 Cor 6:9 for more details).
I’m reminded of a famous designer, Tim Gunn, who says long ago he came into acceptance that he was gay; but, chose celibacy for the sake of peace. He said he could never gain solace with the spiritual-divide; and, the additional health risks associated with the lifestyle; i.e. AIDS. His greatest peace was found in acceptance; and celibacy.
Btw, 800K people divorced in 2K17. Worth noting, the rate for same-sex marriages ending in divorce is high as well. This shows that for the long haul, companionship requires more than people are willing to invest.
I wouldn’t put too much energy into FINDING that someone. I’d make quality use of time spent with the people in your circle. This reminds me: What’s the life dream you “mentioned” in the original post?
Yes, I know how stinging the Holy Bible can be when battling what the flesh wants; and what God’s Word says is best. I genuinely believe the Bible is a guide book for healthy living; and, best summed up under the heading of WWJD?
He tells us to not judge anyone. (Matthew 7:1-3)
While we’re pointing out the splinter in our brother’s eye, we can’t see the huge plank in our own.
(Matthew 7:5)
Jesus says to love people for who they are, as they are.
He says to speak the truth in love; and, leave the winning of souls, and the judging to Almighty God; for, only He knows the real story of why people are as they are.
He sums up the Ten Commandments of the OT, into two in the NT:
First, Love GOD more than self and anything/one else; and secondly,
LOVE…your neighbor, as you love yourself. (Matthew 22:39)
Iow, treat ALL peoples the way you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes.
i.e….If @axynos showed up in full attire, loving the person ‘she’s’ become, I am to pray that God’s Hand have His Way with @axynos’ Divine Purpose for this life; while, loving the person in my presence with respect and dignity. While I don’t agree with @axynos’ lifestyle, far be it from me to judge ‘her’. Once, I speak the truth in love to @axynos, then, beyond God giving me anything else to say or do, I’d simply stay in prayer that ONLY God’s PEACE will align in the spirit of @axynos.
I am a firm believer that we are to hate the sin (as defined by God); and, love the sinner…living in peace as best as possible. (Romans 12:18)
If you have anxiety, know that we all do. It’s like breathing.
We learn the power of deep breathing, and mantras that say, God’s Got This! and, We can do all things through Christ Who Gives us Strength. (Philippians 4:13)
Prayers for God’s best for you!
Peace.
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