Anxiety and Depression, your very own mythological pet Hydra monsters. A prelude.

I never thought I would be the type of person who would have anxiety and depression, in my own head I've 'always' been strong, capable, problem solving and in the eyes of some, successful. This realisation only serves to show how much I know, or thought I knew, through the lenses which I viewed the world through.

Before my diagnosis and in my ignorance, I guess I would have said anxiety and depression happened to those who were mentally or emotionally weak, and/or had suffered great trauma, tragedy and crisis(es).

Now, I've come to know anxiety and depression as my very own multi-headed monsters, like pets but the type of dangerous and carnivorous pets that need to be caged or kept in a glass tank. Or, because they were borne of me, its almost like they are my very own horror-movie children - twins, because they're inextricably linked and share similar characteristics to their personalities. Indiscriminately carnivorous and cannibalistic, because they feed on me and each other.

If I was to put a form to them, I would say they're like the mythical monster Hydra. Wikipedia says of the Hydra:

"The Lernaean Hydra or Hydra of Lerna more often known simply as the Hydra, was a serpentine water monster in Greek and Roman mythology. Its lair was the lake of Lerna in the Argolid ... Lerna was reputed to be an entrance to the Underworld ... In the canonical Hydra myth, the monster is killed by Heracles, more often known as Hercules, using sword and fire, as the second of his Twelve Labours.
The Hydra was the offspring of Typhon and Echidna. It possessed many heads, the exact number of which varies according to the source. Later versions of the Hydra story add a regeneration feature to the monster: for every head chopped off, the Hydra would regrow a couple of heads. The Hydra had poisonous breath and blood so virulent that even its scent was deadly."

Indeed, both my monsters have many heads, not even I know how many. In the classical tale, their lair is a lake but to me, their reach is far, they reach out to the world, their lair is as big as an ocean and like the later versions of the tale, every time you feel like you've chopped off a head, the beast will regrow a couple of heads.

They're mythical in the sense that no-one can actually see or hear them, they're not a separate entities to my physical self - if only they were, destroying them would be so much easier. Everyone else can only see and hear whispers and shadows of them of when they take over the body, control the mind, emotion, voice, behaviours and actions. Sometimes, you might not even be able to tell whether its you or them who is operating your body.

But its not all doom and gloom, my tale hasn't ended yet. This is no Hollywood gazillion dollar budgeted blockbuster movie, complete with latest CGI and action figures, a script that climaxes in a final glory-ridden, gore-soaked battle where the hero(ine) emerges victorious and the audience exhales with relief that the world has been saved.

No. This is a tale that is lived in real time, seemingly slow, on a day to day, hour to hour basis. A journey packed with endless discovery of secret knowledge previously unknown, health power ups, spiritual awakenings, conquering of the most inane tasks known to humanity, tasks such as sleeping and eating, and having a conversation. A life journey all in the name of defeating my very own self created monsters.