Why I think and say that I´m useless all the time
I´m useless, I can´t do anything, I´m a failer, I´m a complete waste of space… Those phrases are some of the typical ones in my regular and daily speech. Or that´s what people say.
I don´t really think I´m completely useless, at least not all the time. But I do have some problems “doing things” or “getting things done”. I have a lot of things to do, like A LOT but I just don’t do them. I don´t know if it´s because I´m too lazy, or because I don´t like doing stuff or maybe I am useless.
I live in a kind of a vicious circle every single day of my life. That is because every time I wake up in the morning (sometimes afternoon) I make a list on my mind of things that I should do that day. Those are simple stuff like walking the dog, do the grocery shop, clean the house, maybe even read a book. I´m not even talking about the important things like getting a job o study for the university. I´m talking about things that the only requirement is to get off the fucking bed. And after an entire day of doing absolutely nothing, I go to sleep saying “I will do it tomorrow”. And at the next day, the circle starts again. And after a couple days or maybe weeks of doing the same shit day after day, I realized something. Maybe I am useless.
My boyfriend, my friend, and family are constantly saying that I´m a really smart girl, that I´m capable of achieving whatever I want and that I shouldn´t kick myself down all the time saying stuff like that because one day I´m gonna start believing it. Ladies and gentlemen, that day is here! Over the past week, I´ve been doing some thinking (I actually think this is a really dangerous thing for a person like me, I shouldn´t think that much). All this thinking mixed with some talks whit my family, and I think is important to say that all of them are in Venezuela which is the most fuck up country in the world, some economic problems, a little of my mum and her lectures about being a grown up… and of course there is the fact that I asked my boyfriend to buy stuff on his way back from work even if the supermarket is a block away from home or that the dog pooped on the house because I didn´t take her out for a five minutes walk. A mix of important stuff and ridiculous stuff got me thinking that maybe, I am useless.
I want to do stuff with my life. I want to graduate, I want to travel, I want to make my mum proud of me. I want a lot of things. And also I have done a lot of things, things that matter to me. I migrated from my home country to a new one, I started a completely new life from scratch, I manage to finally choose a career, I worked for a little while… I HAVE DONE STUFF. I´m tired of every day going to bed thinking that I am useless. Maybe I´ll wake up one day and realize that I am not useless.