Dear Future Ex

Dear Future Ex, I know we're probably meet because my friends who are dating are tired of me third wheeling or a friend used me to take you as he was trying to get with your friend. I know that you will do your best to overlook my flaws at the beginning, try pass over the fact that I barely listen, I also know that the reason you'd want to keep a relationship with me going is because you see me as a pathetic that maybe, just maybe you could fix. I know that you will hold on as long as you can, and I know that you'd eventually reach your breaking point after a long conversation with me and realize that after a long a conversation with me that all I heard was "Can we talk about something?".

It's a future apology that I do here, one inspired by the repetitiveness of past apologies. I'm sorry for lying about who I am and showing you an enthusiastic guy at first and not past the first few dates I'll show my true colors of sorrow dwelling, loneliness encouraged behavior with no regard of you, I'm sorry I won't share all of this with you. I am sorry that I couldn't help you carry a conversation beyond 3 minutes. I'm sorry for wasting your time, I'm sorry for being such a mess, and I'm sorry for continuously preferring to be lonely. But most importantly that even when we're together I'm always somewhere else

I'm sorry for making everything a joke, sarcastically commenting on everything serious, I'm sorry for cracking a joke at your mother's funeral, you see I'm scared of being out in public, I can't talk to a group of strangers and not anxiously wanting to leave. I'm sorry that I'll always compare you to my dead wife and not fail to show you that you're far behind for me. I'm pretty sure that you're quite the person, with interests and views that are unique, and all the things you have that I'll never choose to know.

I'm sorry for being me, and I'm sorry that you'll never get to see what I do to try and make things despite myself, I'm sorry that I never knew how to help someone in distress or grief, I'm not a healthy person, I'm a smiling mentally ill person on my best day when the medication kicks,but that's rare. I'm haunted by pictures from the past and fear of future, haunted by those I want close, never leaving a chance to ever turn the page and truly move on, and fearing a future without my loved ones, a future that will cost whoever I will love, I'm sorry that I will choose the coward's way out and beat the future to taking who I hold dear.

Much like my father I lost my bride, but unlike him I never manned up moved on, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that all I do when I'm with you is space out , living in a world of memories mixed with anxiety I never leave. I'm sorry for all the pain I will cause you to feel, I'm sorry for all the tears I cause you to shed, the anger you go through and the disappointment you'll end up. But most importantly I'm sorry for being me.

Written by: @amirtheawesome1
Photography: The Long Wait - Hassouni Al-Assadi.