Four words to my past self: part 2

Hello again! You came back! I hoped you would!

So, where were we? I'd told you all about being certifiably crazy, and working out how to feel better by using the right strategies and trying really hard until I could use them properly. And I'd mentioned that there are about ten 'unhelpful thinking styles' that make people (especially anxious people) unhappy. And I promised to show you how to train yourself to stop doing them.

So here goes. Number 1:

Using words like 'should', 'must', and 'ought'

I should be kinder.
I ought to do my chores.
I must get at least 80% in this test.
I have to do better next time.

Have a look at the kind of language you use to talk to yourself. If you're an anxious person, chances are you use these kinds of words a lot. If you were in a counselling session right now, the counsellor would ask you to write down examples of those words in your own life. Here are some of mine:

"I should eat better."
"I ought to be more generous."
"I should work longer hours."

So why is this a problem? Well, every time you use those words, you're setting a bar for what you consider to be acceptable behaviour for yourself. And you're setting that bar over the top of your head. That means that even to basically consider yourself to be an OK person, you have to hit targets you're not currently hitting. And you have no idea if those targets are even reasonable. Your crazy brain is unlikely to be going easy on you, so it's likely to be setting you targets you can't possibly hit, and then making you feel like a failure when you don't hit them. Take mine: the people who love me would, I know, consider me to be generous and hard working, but that's not enough for my anxious brain. It wants more.

But! There's a solution! It's really simple to explain, but extremely difficult to master. It's taken me almost a year. Here it is:

Replace those unhelpful words with the phrase, "I'd like to".

Here's an example:

"I'd like to eat better."

This way, I'm not telling myself I'm not good enough the way I am, or that in order to be worthy I have to hit a bar that's above my head. I'm fine just how I am. But I would like to eat better. Try it. I found that the first time I did, I could actually feel my shoulders relax as I turned a harsh self-judgement into a positive decision to do something I'd like to do differently.

tldr: when you use language like should, must and ought you are subtly telling yourself that you are not good enough. When you replace those phrases with I'd like to, you are telling yourself that you're fine the way you are, and deciding to make a positive, powerful change.