I Can't Cry

I Can't Cry

I Can't Cry but it doesn't mean I don't
I Can't Cry but it doesn't mean I won't
I don't cry
I won't cry
That's not it
I can't, that's it

Don't, it's like I can't
But it's not I can't
Do you get it?
Can you see it?
I can't coz I'm not allowed to
But I want to
I just can't

Won't, it's like I can't
But it's not I can't
Can you hear me?
It's me, it's me

Don't, Won't, Can't
Can you tell the difference?
Nice if it's Don't
Good if it's Won't
But Can't?
I can't
I Can't Cry

Thoughts:

If I confused you with all the don't, won't, and can't let me tell you why 'can't' pains me the most.

My vocabulary for the words:

Don't: It means to me that it's a normal thing for me to not do it. "I don't do it."
Won't: It means to me that I can do it but I will not. "I won't do it."
Can't: It means to me that "I do it" and "I want to do it" but even if I want to and I should, somehow I'm not allowed to. In the "I Can't Cry" context, it's me that doesn't allow it.

Why do some people cry? Because they're overjoyed or sad. In my case, yes, when I'm overjoyed I feel the urge to cry but you know what? I can't. Yes, I'm happy but do I have the right to cry as if I deserved that happiness? Can I cry because somehow what I feel right now is not going to turn into guilt? That I'm so happy yet there's still part of my life, people in my life, goals in my life that I continually fail.

I'm sad, should I cry? Maybe I should because crying lessens the pain but I can't. It's not that I don't cry or I won't cry because I know how to cry and I won't try to stop myself from crying but somehow I can't. I can't cry because who caused this sadness? It's me. Did I give it all? Did I do my best? No. I feel like I'm a hypocrite if I cry. Let's say there's a major exam and I need to get at least a B but because of some unreasonable decision on my part, I wasn't able to completely focus on studying so I got a C. That makes me want to cry but it's my fault, I also didn't do my best. Maybe, if maybe, I just studied real hard even up until the time that my professor told me to keep my notes, maybe I can cry. Maybe I can tell myself, "Cry because you're sad that you got a C even though you did your best."

But I did not "I Can't Cry" because of a C. I wrote this because of what I'm doing in my life. I'm not able to do what I want, I'm not able to achieve my goals, I can't be the person that can help the people I love. I fail and fail and fail. Everyday stresses me out and I know, if I cry, at least half of that stress will be gone but what did I do to deserve to get the relief of crying. I mean I failed but none of those things I've ever given my all. I don't know if you get what I mean but it makes me want to cry every time I tell myself, "I can't cry."