I am not scared of death; I am scared of dying with a life less lived.
I have dreams and I don't really know if I am working towards it! At times I don't know what is it that I want from life. I keep questioning that to myself!
A famous rapper quoted in one of his rhymes "Everybody dies but not everybody lives!"
And that is so the truth. An undeniable one indeed! At times I hide myself away in thoughts. My social media updates are fake, what I post there has nothing mostly to do with my real life! And I find it funny how people comment and actually start thinking that what I portray on there is actually how I live! I post funny pictures on Facebook with a caption 'hahaha' does not mean I am happy!
Sometimes I want to be away from people: honestly I don't know why! Somewhere I feel insufficient and not really up to the mark to surround myself with this so called adequate and successful people. I never counter when people give advises to me because I believe may be are well wishers and if they are not , and they are the ones who are trying to pinpoint that I am weak or they are smart and strong; why bother, they are probably!
Is it depression? Why am I anxious all the time? Why am I skeptical about trying new ways?
All my life the feeling that I am inadequate has haunted me! And on top of that I was ugly as a teenager, I have been rejected numerous times in relationships in my life throughout; leaving me confused. I have a history of drugs!
And on top of that lately I had to go through a family tragedy. I can say that I have been strong ever since, I moved to a different country; I am sober now. But I have taken to heavy drinking lately, I don't do drugs anymore. I don't find it to be honest and that is good; though at times I feel like I have been a lot stronger as a person when I was high.
Now I feel like I can't have an opinion & most of the times; again the same feeling ;multiplied 'I am just never enough.'
So bottom line, I am not good with relationships even though I have seen I apologize first, I am not egoistic; because of the drug history you can understand even after couple of attempts to get a formal education failed; career wise I am not doing okay obviously.
In short, I am as my parents were; except the drug abuse part. Unsuccessful in mostly everything, yes they raised their kids to be generous, kind & humane individuals. But is it helping me in this world, lol, Hell no!
I feel like a victim!
And people who know me most keep telling me to keep doing new things in life, we find new ways to go ahead when we attempt! And someone reminded me of the part from Robert Frost's poem
'I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in the wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference!'
And I am like I know, I am trying, I know only I can help me, no one else will, I am scared of failing and honestly the fear of failing has always kept me going and helped me climb up.
And at this phase in my life the problem is I am not seeing the roads yet!
And I promise myself I will stand back up no matter what because indeed I am not scared of death; I am scared of dying with a life less lived.
Note: I keep on posting motivation & philosophical articles on my page; I believe thoroughly in what I post, to the ones who have been checking my posts recently; this post will come across as a contrary portrayal of myself, but truly I tell you, I keep going through this phase now and then and I keep it to myself, today I felt like my readers should know more about myself, so I let it out; but otherwise I am strong because of the philosophies I follow and who idealize!