I hate myself, and I am ready to change.

I'm starting to understand that I have perpetuated a cycle within myself that developed into a self-hatred that became full-blown CONTINUOUS self sabotage. It started to get really bad as I began down talking to myself out of guilt from my anger outburst caused by my early pregnancy. A series of life affecting events occurred one after the other, and even when something good happened, it was always overshadowed by the bad. I commonly blame myself for everything, and It's gotten to the point that I resist anyone even being kind to me or complimenting me. I spend hours obsessing about what has changed me, and how impossible it seems to be able to change back into who I recognize as myself.

It's mentally and physically destroying me.

So I really need to change, or it will also destroy what I do have, which is a tremendous amount of blessings. So this post is meant as a call out to all that I do have! I have caught myself more and more in a cycle dwelling on all the bad things and negativity, and I need to really think about all that I really do have.

My blessings,

I have a home with no major issues that costs very little in a really wonderful location downtown!!
My oldest son goes to wonderful small charter school that has resources that I didn't have.
My youngest son comes and gives me hugs and kisses on his whim, and very frequently.
We have a car, and it works great.
My husband earns enough for us to survive, and we already have everything we could want.
And if we don't, we know how to get it using what we have. We barter for our entertainment.
I have a big loving family that is always there for me.
We have a very active little boy due in October.
My parents are alive, are surviving through their illnesses, and offer everything they can.
I have a lot of friends that do care about me, regardless of my seclusion from them.

My husband. For everything that he does to drive me nuts, he's trying. I've been miserable to him, and bless him, it pains me to see him have to see me be the worst I've ever been. I love him, and after meeting him I have never wanted anyone else.

Who I am,

patient
kind
empathetic
caring
smart
funny (even if my husband doesn't understand my humor!)
a really great singer(for choirs! Not a solo-enthused at all)
an artist
admirer of beautiful crafting of any kind
a cat and dog lover
a Planeswalker :D (I love building MTG decks)
a weeaboo through and through (glad I love anime still)
a fanfiction writer
a reader, even in my times I don't read anything substantial
a miner
an amateur scientist

Please feel free to respond similarly. I am looking to at least make connections with people, and looking for positivity.
I will become someone I want to be. We can grow together if you'd like.