Cyber bullying - What I did not know
The fears of a father raising children in the cyber age!
The original idea for this post came from reading about the death of Amy ‘Dolly ‘Everett. Amy was once the face of the iconic Australian brand Akubra. Amy also recently committed suicide as a result of cyberbullying. The details surrounding her death are outlined in this article from the Washington Post which can be read here:
A teenager’s suicide may help break Australians in action on bullying
I have to admit to not remembering the advertising campaign in which Dolly featured. The disconnect between the beautiful young girl shown in the picture above, and the tragic story told in the words of the Post’s article however struck me particularly hard.
If you are under the age of 30 you probably struggle to remember a world without the Internet. But for people of my generation (I’m in my 40s,) the Internet remains something that has predominantly been present in our adult years. I grew up blissfully ignorant of concepts such as social media, instant messaging, and Snapchat. I clearly remember the torment of having to physically phone a girl, on a rotary dial phone no less, in order to ask her out for a date. This was a different kind of torment to that experienced by children of the information technology age.
As a parent however, I now raise children in a world where technology is ever present. Having had no experience with cyber bullying myself, I am forced to raise my children in an environment that I do not understand, let alone have coping strategies for. The thought of finding myself in the situation of the parents described in the story above quite frankly terrifies me.
I think the only defence for a parent in a situation like mine is self-education. As such, cyber bullying is a topic in which I have an increasing level of interest. I was first seriously exposed to this concept when I watched the TED talk, linked below, given by Monica Lewinsky in 2015. For those of you unfamiliar with Monica’s story, Monica had an affair with the President of the United States when she was 22, and at the age of 24 had her life destroyed by the publicity that this scandal generated. She describes herself as one of the first victims of cyber bullying, and goes into significant detail about the way in which the victim is made to feel in these circumstances.
I had never really given Monica Lewinsky much thought. The scandal was almost 20 years ago, so it is difficult to remember my reaction at the time. I like most of you who remember the situation have laughed at Monica Lewinsky jokes. The impact of this on the person never really crossed my mind. Until I heard Monica speak. For those of you who choose to watch the video and who have preconceived opinions about this individual, I would ask you to approach it with an open mind.
The one thing that struck me most from Monica’s story is that it is now over 20 years since she made her ‘mistake.’ Yet she still suffers the consequences. Here are some memes that I found from the past 18 months in which Monica is still largely the butt of the joke.
This one in response to the Colin Kapernik story of the 2017 NFL Season
And this one in the lead up to the 2016 presidential election.
Or consider this, which is a comment by TED's social media editor, in an article you can read here.
As TED’s social media editor, I have seen a lot of nasty comments. I’ve seen grown men and women deride a 14-year-old girl for her choice of dress. I’ve seen them say they’re revolted by a beautiful transgender woman. On every talk about race, I’ve seen a slew of racist comments. But none have ever been as bad as the comments we got when we published Monica Lewinsky’s TED Talk...
If you’re a parent, or ever think you might be one, I want you to think about this.
A young girl (she was 22 at the time) made a stupid decision in 1995. More than 20 years later she is still the object of public ridicule because of this. Monica’s case might be extreme due to the celebrity factor; however, it also well demonstrates the extreme consequences when things go wrong online.
Another TED talk which I’ve also linked below, talks about how one poorly worded tweet destroyed the life of Justine Sacco. I thought this one was particularly interesting given the context that the speaker provides in the first 90 seconds around the early days of Twitter, and the parallels that can be drawn between this and the current optimism around block chain technology.
Cyberbullying and Parenting
The consequences of mistakes in the digital age are severe. To steal words from Monica’s talk,
teens are quite literally being bullied to death.
A fact that the family of Amy ‘Dolly’ Everett can painfully attest too.
So, what is a parent to do? I’ll put my hand up and say this stage I don’t know. Monica has some suggestions in her talk, as does the TED editor whose article I have linked above. I've also pasted some links to anti bullying resources at the end of this post. Realistically I just want to raise awareness of this as an issue, and hope that neither you, or I, ever in up in the situation of Dolly Everett’s family.
I hope you find Monica’s TED talk interesting and informative:
And the other talk I mentioned can be found here:
How One Tweet can Ruin your Life:
I am a youth worker and have worked with many victims and instigators of bullying behaviours. Despite this, it's still hard to come up with solutions that are practical. But I'll try....
Ideally parents objectives (of EQUAL importance) should be 1, protect you child from bullying behaviours and 2, don't let you child= grow up and exhibit bullying behaviours.
I recently attended a folk music festival that caters for families from all walks of life and it was amazing to see such a liberal approach to how different cultures, sexualities, genders and preferences are actually celebrated rather than ridiculed. I observed a trans person conducting a Trans Story time session (performed daily) where children gathered around to listen to a story read to them by a drag queen (hope that term doesn't offend anyone). No one in that setting batted an eye lid around how the individual chose to dress, parents or children. Allowing children to enter spaces that are safe and non judgemental is the best thing we could ever do for children in addressing bullying. They will hopefully pick up on the fact that differences are not important and that people who make negative judgements of others usually have their own issues.
On the flip side, I don't think it's too hard to see why some children exhibit bullying behaviours, look at the media messages on the front of our newspapers and magazines. Primitive judgements are poison to kids, they do pick up on it and they do copy it!
When I was at child the word 'gay' was used as a pretty powerful put down to people and things, it wasn't used to describe sexuality, it was used to describe negativity, 'your shoes are gay' for instance. Today I work with kids who couldn't care less if someone is homosexual or not. So I do think things are changing. In the past couple of years we have seen the gender fluid movement come into fruition and I think it's wonderful that people are rejecting the concept of making one choice or conforming to one gender type. This carries incredible power and exposure to people who are different or refuse to be judged and are comfortable in their own skin, despite what some people might say is a wonderful example of how to not let bullying get to you and to not judge others.
The end!
This is a really important topic @aghunter - scary as a parent, but important.
Is there any one thing that you have learnt from the topic that stands out? ( we are already talking about having a desktop in a communal area rather than tablets... not sure that this is enough though)
Ooh, quality comment. You’re getting good at this curating stuff @bec-on-the-block!
It’s honestly hard to say. My girls are still young, so this isn’t something I’ve had to face directly yet. I think that from what I’ve read, I would emphasise having a relationship with your kids where they feel they can share things with you without fear of being judged. They will never tell you everything, but the more they open up, the more likely you might be to catch something before it goes too far.
So sorry for her, nice idea, you have written something grate mate!
this is so saddening. prayers for Dolly Everett family . cyber bullying is real shit
It's very difficult to shield a kid from cyber-bullying. I don't have children myself, and I always say that when I will, they won't have a smart phone or a tablet until they are old enough to buy one. But I think that is very naive and desn't solve anything. Nowadays anyone can get access to the internet from anywhere.
I was bullied as a kid in school, and home is the only place I felt safe. Now you have a computer or phone at home, and the bullies have access to you anywhere. It's very scary, and frankly I'm not sure it's possible to avoid. I guess the best way is to educate children about posting stuff online...
Cyber bullying is a reality. Parents should face up to it.
At the end, we still survive
Dolly everett a 14-year-old from a well-known ranch family in Northern Territory, Australia that ended nyan's life last week after being subjected to harassment, according to her grieving parents.
Children are undoubtedly exposed to endless aggressions, generated by their classmates or social networks. Within us is more than regular access to the internet to generate awareness of the differences