Casualties of War
This is not going to be a typical post for me. I need to brain dump though so...
My nephews are black.
I should say two of my nephews are African American... they're also German, Irish, Scottish, Italian/Sicilian, Dutch, English, Nordic, Middle Eastern (Syria and Iran), French-Canadian, Polish and I'm sure there's a couple that I'm forgetting. (Mutts. My Mom called us Mutts.)
Can you tell?
No. You just see that they're black. It's not your fault, it's just genetics... The African features just win out as most easily recognizable. I don't see it that way, of course because they're my kids... I see the sum of everything they are.
I am white. I have dark features for someone considered white. I've been asked my ethnicity more times than I can count in the past three months alone but...
I've never been called a nigger.
I've been maliciously attacked for many things. For how weird I am, mostly, and my Nana in particular would tell me not to listen to them because being weird is fabulous and they're ignorant fools.
I could tell them that, of course.
What will it mean though, coming from me? It worked with my Nana because she was weird too, here was someone that I looked up to that related to my struggle drying my tears and telling me the best way to win was not to fight, to love them, to 'kill them with kindness'.
It didn't work when my Mom said those things. She didn't get it, she wasn't weird, she was my Mom she had to say that.
So what else exactly am I supposed to say when my nine year old little boy stomps into the house, tears in his eyes screaming "XXXXX called me a nigger!" And my heart breaks because I see the pain on his face.
I tell him I understand the pain of being put down for who you are, for something fundamental about yourself that you cannot change, and tell him the things my Nana told me... Especially in the cultural mindset of today... how is a nine year old going to be able to relate that?
"You don't understand, you're white!"
"... So are you..."
Sigh.
And as expected, not understanding the point that I'm trying to make, he goes up to his room upset. How can I help but wonder...
Are my boys going to be able to feel comfortable and secure in a world where they're being ripped in half by race wars? How can I help them through this in a way that doesn't ask them to sacrifice any part of who they are?
Is my love going to be enough?
My stepson is gay, and though he didn't officially 'come out' until he was sixteen, he had noticeable traits. Faggot was the word dart thrown at him most often, but also queer etc. He dealt with it by embracing it, owning it, laughing at it. An attitude of 'well if I'm a faggot, it must be super cool to be one". We taught him early on about ignorance and rather than being hurt (for the most part, there was always those days), he just felt sorry for their small minds.
I would say the best thing you can do for your little one is simply your best to instill confidence. Your love will go a long way in that department as he grows :) xoxo
Josh (with my son Ethan) when he was a senior- it was this day that he told me that knowing we always had his back made it possible to take on the world.
And he continues to do just that seven years later--with his husband--who is in the airforce :)
All you can do is remind them how much they are loved and that the things others say to us only have as much value as we give them. Nasty people will always be nasty, that dont make them right or intelligent for that matter.
Side not my vote is currently worth two cents so be prepared for cheesy jokes until it changes
I didn't have an answer for this until I read dreemit's response. After reading that, I think your Nana made you confident and proud. Basically she made you love yourself. All we can do is our best to make the kids we love see themselves as worthy of being loved and thus love themselves.
You clearly care quite deeply. That is the best place for them to start.
I do, my nieces and nephews may as well be my own, I introduce my oldest nephew (the one with the freezie pop in the picture) as "my first born".
I am really, really trying to instil in them to love every aspect of themselves. To love the sum of all that they are, even the bits they might think are bad, even the bits that others tear them down for. At the end of the day the pixels make the picture and their photographs are beautiful. All I want as a guide for these kids is to help them to know that with confidence that reaches their core.
Love conquers all things. Racial war still exist and would always exist and that's the sad truth.
. We just have to be proud of our colourskin nature and maybe one day when they know we careless of what they call us they would stop..
Ah, beautiful <3 thank you for sharing that with me. I don't understand why people can't just be nice to each other, sigh. I'm very glad to see that your step-son pushed through it with dignity and is doing well, he looks so happy.
I've never understood it either, I truly believe earth would be a utopia if it was populated by the people I am always drawn to ;) But I think that cruelty mostly stems from insecurities, fear, and indoctrination (parents with prejudices etc.) and that those who are innately unkind are few and far between.
Very well said my dear
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