How to irritate people
I know, they are supposed to be enlightened ways to communicate, but... the Socratic Method, E-Prime, and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), are all good ways to piss off the people you use them on. I mean, look what happened to Socrates!
That's not the stated purpose of any of those communication tactics, of course, but that's where they almost always lead if the people pick up on what you are doing. I've seen it time after time, and I have also felt the same anger when they were used against me. It feels like I'm being manipulated. I'd rather someone just call me nasty names.
Now, each of those tactics might have their place, when used sparingly and when abandoned as soon as they start angering the other person in the conversation. Unless your point is to make people mad, that is. That probably has its place, too.
Those aren't the only communication styles which irritate people. Using logic can also trigger people and cause emotional explosions. So, you probably need to tailor your approach to your audience. One size doesn't fit all. And some people are going to dig their heels in and defend their faith no matter what you say or how you say it.
I'm not saying I communicate in any way better. I know I am not everyone's cup of tea. Whatever the method is that I use (if I have a method) isn't going to be appreciated by those who prefer one of the methods listed above. But maybe, for those who feel manipulated by the above communication tactics, I and others might have something to contribute. And, I'm always trying to communicate more effectively, even if I don't buy into some of the styles others find helpful.
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That's so true, and easier said than executed.
I also find that sometimes simply being a good listener and controlling a conversation by insisting on not reciprocating the other person's ineffective communication can also really piss a person off. I can still remember the first time I used some things I learned in a college course on interpersonal communication with my father. It was the first time in months we were able to be in the same room for more than ten minutes, but it basically involved him yelling at me while I listened, and then now and then I would try to assert something and he would fly off the handle again. He ended up getting really frustrated and actually asked, "Did you learn this $h*& from that bitch, (teachers name)?!" Then, when I was back in school I shared the story with that teacher, and before I got to the end she asked, "Did he call me a bitch?" I was stunned, but she said she heard it all the time. Fast forward, and now I've been teaching communication for almost 30 years, and I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a similar story. So, certainly, those programs you listed can have that effect, but sometimes just learning to approach conflict a little different, and with more of a win-win attitude, can piss a relative off. I believe this is simply because if you are talking to someone who needs control, changing the communication pattern is a direct threat to that control, and that threat equates to rage. You mentioned the idea of intentionally trying to piss people off, and obviously that is never going to work out well, but I think when it comes to someone just wanting to make a positive change in their communication, they have to be willing to muscle through people having a hard time with it. By the way, I am looking to begin curating posts about communication, so feel free to follow me and/or tag me if you post something like this in the future. Cheers.
"...not reciprocating the other person's ineffective communication...", that would seem the most logical, wouldn't it? But using logic in response to emotional reasoning does often tend to heighten anger, so what's the alternative? I think the (best) answer probably changes on a case by case basis. At least we're thinking about it, at least we're trying? Hope for change and hope for luck, and speak your truth. That's really all you can do, try...the real key is listening...but all too often you'll be the only one. Maybe you're the only one who knows how. Maybe you're the only one who knows they should. Learning takes time for us all, and it's a long journey in itself (for some) just to reach the point of becoming teachable. We don't listen...we don't learn. Listening is everything.
With that last sentence, you might appreciate this post of mine. It’s past the payout, so not a totally shameless plug right? :)
https://steemit.com/communication/@cstrimel/listening-the-foundation-of-all-good-communication
(A plug is a plug, it's how I fill up my tub. That's useful! No need for shame in how you plug up a drain, beg for some change, comment so strange.) Thanks! I do appreciate that. I'll give you a follow. Your posts look interesting. :)
that is very useful thanks
You'r right i am agree with you
Logically each and everything you said @dullhawk is right...... Thanks for giving so many suggestions I will try some of them!!
@dullhawk nice piece of helpful post...
loved it
I like the approach you take.
nvc I see more as a tool for mediators that are an impartial third party between two fighting parties. In a relationship of two persons I don't know......If you in a relation with a narcisist who is using nvc and you don't know it, the narc could use it to lower you guard by being so called interested in your feeling and needs.
Further it feels very robotic, like a script, the is also not much humor, self spot, creativity, emotion in it, which for me reminds me of the state practices...hope you get what I mean.
On the other hand If you and your friend both know what it is and you fight a lot, it could be helpful to use it a while to find out the problem.
It is a bit of a double edged sword, all those languages, the danger exists in drifting of in nihilism or determinism.