My Gender Identity Crisis, Or Lack Thereof

I remember my first acts of truly being gender-fluid when I was a young girl still in daycare. They were throwing a Halloween party and brought the cheap plastic Halloween costumes for us to wear. They were pretty much a full plastic jumpsuit that you pulled on over your regular clothes, and had a mask to go with it. They brought Snow White for all the girls, and Transformers for all the boys. Since I was going to a pretty low budget daycare at the time in a pretty cruddy part of town, they ran out of Snow White and I was forced to wear the Transformer Halloween costume with all the stinky boys. I share this memory because I remember distinctively thinking, "I don't want to be a bitch ass Snow White anyway".

A situation like this would create a meltdown for any four-year-old that is put in this position. But for me, there was no issue at all. I was relieved I didn't have to be Snow White.

Growing up I don't remember ever being labeled a "Tom boy" like you would expect a gender-fluid biological female to get categorized as. Because of my single-parent upbringing, I did have more of an independent and rigid personality for sure, pretty much modeling the personality distinctions that my mother had to show being a strong woman in an unforgiving society. I was always lost trying to find who I was in this world, and what category I fit into. I would look in the mirror and not see myself as the biological female that my other girlfriends would. They cared a lot about their hair and makeup, about the clothes that they wore to look feminine on their body, and for some reason all had a weird obsession with Tweety Bird that I still will never understand.

As I continued through adolescence, to my teenage years, to my young adult years I found myself more comfortable relating to the urban community and hip hop music. It was acceptable to be a strong independent female and wear baggy clothes and still have sex appeal the same time. At this time I also discovered that was definitely bisexual and had an attraction to both males and females. I struggled for a long time wondering if I was actually gender-fluid, or if I was just homosexual.

During this time I also discovered that I had a strong fear of becoming pregnant, a mother, or have to deal with my internal female reproductive organs. They absolutely repulsed me and it felt as if there was foreign parts of my body that did not belong. I do think that part of these feelings are directly related to the emotional abuse of being raised in a single-parent household, but I also do think it is related with myself discovery of the possibility of being gender-fluid.

I also find that in my state of mind growing up I have always been masculine and dominant in all relationships, no matter if they're friends or love interests. I have a need to be in power and dictate to people how the situation is going to turn out. I need control over it and to show that I have the best leadership skills out of anybody in the room. People find it easy to come to me to handle situations because of my dominant demeanor and ability to take care of business. I know you're thinking to yourself, this in no way means that you are gender-fluid; I just think it plays a big part in my self-discovery.

Being gender-fluid is probably one of the most annoying disorders ( for lack of a better word because I am still learning) because it feels so vague. Here is the definition of being genderqueer or gender-fluid:

Gender Fluidity: Gender fluidity conveys a wider, more flexible range of gender expression, with interests and behaviors that may even change from day to day. Gender fluid people do not feel confined by restrictive boundaries of stereotypical expectations of women and men. For some people, gender fluidity extends beyond behavior and interests, and actually serves to specifically define their gender identity. In other words, a person may feel they are more female on some days and more male on others, or possibly feel that neither term describes them accurately. Their identity is seen as being gender fluid.

Genderqueer: Genderqueer is a term that is growing in usage, representing a blurring of the lines surrounding society’s rigid views of both gender identity and sexual orientation. Genderqueer people embrace a fluidity of gender expression that is not limiting. They may not identify as male or female, but as both, neither, or as a blend. Similarly, genderqueer is a more inclusive term with respect to sexual orientation. It does not limit a person to identifying strictly as heterosexual or homosexual. (Note: This term is NOT typically used in connection with gender iden

It was a struggle for me to pull sexual orientation out of it, and use self-discovery to just look at gender alone. How did I feel as a gender? Do I feel like a male? Do I feel like a female? The answer to both of those is no. I do not feel like a male or a female. I feel like this weird, unthought-of gender that falls directly between both of them. It's not clean-cut like transgender, which can get confusing when trying to describe to someone how you feel, or how you fit into a situation. And I don't want to fall into the category of being a tomboy, because I'm not! The best way for me to describe my gender identity to someone is if you were going to label a Bull Dyke as a gender. That would be me.

There are days where I can put on a sundress and sandals, style my hair and put a little bit of blush on my face and feel more in the feminine spectrum. Other days I want to put on joggers and a loose tank top with my Jordans, and be in the male spectrum.

At times I will even experience a slight dysphoria that is similar to someone who suffers from anorexia or bulimia. I will look in the mirror at myself and say, this person in the mirror looks absolutely nothing like a biological female.

One day I was explaining to one of my heterosexual female friends about my experience at the Parliament House, a gay resort that is in Downtown Orlando. I visited the Parliament House to go see one of my good friends who is a cross-dresser, and was staying there for a few days. I had agreed to meet her there so we could go to our first drag queen show together. While my crossdresser friend was getting ready for the show, I stepped outside of the hotel room to smoke a cigarette before the show. The people there were very friendly of course, it being a very sexually charged area, but I felt at times that people did not know if I was truly a male or female while I was there. When I told this to my female friend, she replied, "I don't understand how they did not know you are female, you are clearly female". It was a weird affirmation that I look female. Like I am foreign in my own body.

I know I can't be in this confusion alone. I will continue my path to self-discovery and learning myself, and in the meantime I will hold the label of genderqueer with pride. But I know that there's so many more dimensions to the LGBTQ community, but having an open mind to it now, I'm able to at least find myself and my true being.

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