Contemplation and Other Rants, Moving Forward

I have this feeling deep inside of my spirit of the potential of my higher self. Its is a quiet voice in my mind that is telling me to systematically find the things in life that I truly desire, then work diligently towards getting them. I have been guided to find the things in my mind that prevent these desires from manifesting and then to work to resolve the issues both internally and externally. This work is for me what this life is about.
I have recently begun again down the path towards the liberation of my spirit. In the past I have been a dabbler of the worst order in the occult. I have been an on again, off again student of magick. Learning somethings, then being too lazy to follow though, making progress then stepping back into stagnation. My path is magickal as well as transsexual and thus the resistance that I have going forward in the pursuit of my best self has been unreal. I have been told here on Steemit that I am just lazy, and I must say that was a fair assessment of my work thus far. It is frustrating because I know that I am better than this, but to my surprise, I have discovered over the past few years that my ability to concentrate, read and write has been greatly diminished. I asked a doctor about it and basically, he told me that I was lazy. I was hoping to get some Adderall out of the deal but no such luck. I was also made to feel that I wasn’t really serious about transitioning and while I appreciate this view, I now realize that my problem has been with my inability to deal with the intense fear and transphobia that I have.
One criticism that I have with the LGBT community has been the idea that if you do not prescribe to the unified political ideology of liberalism, they will attempt to negate your trans identity. I guess its just me. I do not like to be categorized and placed into a box. Yes, I may mostly fit into that box, I am after all a closeted Luciferian Transsexual Self Loathing Transphobic Socially Left leaning former Democrat from Southern California, but don’t assume that means that I don’t like guns, hunting, and capitalism. Some would say, well your just not trans enough. That brings me to the right and how stupid it is that they always try to make fun of the transgendered. I listen to them, (I try to keep an open mind and have an open dialogue with everyone regardless), and they can be making good points, then they have to go and say something off the wall about transgendered people and I feel like it’s the equivalent of making fun of someone because of their weight or someone with an illness or disability.
But I digress. One of the first things that I did magickaly once I got back on the path was to do a bit of candle magick. I used a white candle and anointed it with oil made from nightshade. I dedicated the candle to my higher self. I have been meditating with my candle, a rose quartz, while burning some Dragons blood incense. I have also begun studying the occult once again. At this point in my practice, I would like to get in the habit of daily meditation for 20 minutes. Meditation is one of the key habits to master and is the foundation to magickal practice.
Once again, I am beginning anew. I am writing this blog with the hope that doing so will strengthen my practice and my accountability. I encourage constructive criticism with the understanding of mutual respect toward one another. My views are just that, and I am simply trying to express myself in an authentic way. Thank you for your support.