<3 Allow yourself to be both and never force yourself to pretend anything. Being in pain can really put a dent into things my illness comes with bouts of extreme pain and wehn I live through them and things are financially a disaster it is hard to feel happy. But we have such a short time here on earth we can just sit and let our lives wither. Allow yourself to be sad and then dust yourself off and keep going you seem to have so much to offer <3 Love is not a bad ting but waiting for it just makes life and eternal transit station. If love wants to show up it will fill the wait up with everything and anything you have dreamt of doing in the interim :) as for getting old i am going to be 50 in April it is scary as fuck LOL