Finding a balance between being out and accepting other people's uncomfortableness with being gay
My spouse and I have been together for 8 years now. We are a married gay couple, yet a lot of people who are close to us do not even know we are gay. It is not because we are embarrassed about it or feel that it is wrong in any way; we just don't like to make people feel uncomfortable.
Most of the time when we are out in public, we are 'friends' or 'roommates'. We will openly talk about our relationship, our marriage, and being gay if it comes up; but we do not go out of our way to push it on people. Surprisingly, it does not come up very often. We often assume that many of the people we spend time with must know that we are a couple, but they don't bring it up, so neither do we. It never seems to cause any issues, and we get along with people just fine.
There are a lot of people out there who are not OK with people being gay. There are a lot of different reasons for it. A lot of it is because of what people are taught, especially from a young age. People are taught homophobia by religion, parents, peers, and many other sources. These beliefs have been ingrained into society for millennium, and people do not abandon long-held beliefs easily.
After spending a part of my life as an 'afraid of going to hell' Christian, I totally get where these people are coming from. There is a 'right' way and 'wrong' way to live your life, and people who are not following the rules are wrong. Accepting someone else's sin can almost be as bad as committing the sin yourself, and the punishment for this could literally be an eternity in hell. Think about that. Some people are subconsciously struggling with a choice between accepting your way of life, and spending an eternity in hell.
That is a large part of why I don't force my belief on others. I understand what being afraid of homosexuality can mean. Even today, there is a small part of me that wonders if I will wake up in hell one day after I die. If others aren't ready to make that leap of faith to accept my way of life - that is totally OK with me.
I feel very strongly though that my spouse and I should be allowed to be a couple, and live our lives the way we want. I just also have a lot of respect for the fact that not everyone feels the same way. It is important for us to find the right balance between the way we want to live our lives, and the way others want to live theirs.
We have gotten in a lot of "discussions" with other LGBT people, who feel very strongly that we need to be more "out". According to them - we are hiding, and not helping other gay people by "fighting for the cause". I strongly disagree with this. In my opinion, we are helping to bring more acceptance to homosexuality by living the way that we do.
Most people's minds are fairly made up. I am fairly sure that a 80 year old conservative woman who lived her whole life as a god fearing Christian is not going to finally see the light and accept gay people because someone shoved their beliefs on her.
On the other hand though, if someone spends 10-15 years getting to know my spouse and me, they will see us as nice respectable people, who were always well mannered and polite. If after all those years, they eventually learn that we are a couple that happened to be gay - well, then maybe they will see that being gay isn't as bad as they thought.
"They were really nice people, and I liked them." .. "If that is what being gay is all about, then maybe it is not that bad after all."
Personally, that is how I choose to live my life as a gay person.
Christianity is bollocks and brainwashing, but I don't force that opinion on other people.
Nor do I tell many people I'm gay unless I think they'll be sympathetic to it.
If people find out they find out. And the people who matter know anyway. So I just leave it as it is.
I know what you mean. I've finally managed to sort out what I feel is the true meaning of Christianity from the 'religion' part. I almost avoid telling people that I consider myself a Christian, because I don't want to be associated with what most people consider it to be.
That's cool to find out that you are gay too. I've read a lot of your posts, and have always thought you were a cool person. Interestly, I had no idea that you were until just now. Thanks for sharing; I'm glad to know :)
Great Article..
And I believe that people will accept it slowly, and within a few years of time-span, it will be even normal. Many of them really don't know what exactly "being a gay" means so they fear the unknown or afraid of the change..
#ISupportYou :)
Hi Tim,
Thanks for a great post.
As a Christian myself, here's what it comes down to from our world view - and I'm sure you have heard this over and over again from our side of the fence as you mentioned your history - "at the Cross, the ground is level."
Is it really, or do we (Christians today) seem to elevate certain things above others?
I don't recall any of my brethren pointing out my beer gut lately as a problem :P
Today I find it troubling that we see more and more parity and weight on different types of things that we might think or do by people but in Scripture there is none of that.
There's a reason why it has been written to cast the beam out of our own eyes first, because, well, who honestly could? To say that any one of us have would be a ridiculous statement and negate the very reason for sanctification.
Without getting too deep here, ultimately the point I am trying to get at is that we're all in this together on this earth; none of us are better than anyone else; at one point in our lives we confessed and believed and everyone's journey from that point is a personal and unique one to that individual.
You should be "out", you should be who you are and comfortable in who you are. If any of us are making that difficult for you or anyone else, we've missed some key points of our Faith.
I wish you well on your journey and God bless.
Thanks! I really appreciate your comments. Interestingly enough, I still consider myself a Christian :) My main take away after years of struggling with it, was that Christianity was more about living the type of life that Jesus taught (through his parables and his examples), than about following a set of rigid rules of right vs. wrong. As you said "If any of us are making that difficult for you or anyone else, we've missed some key points of our Faith". I totally agree!
I really do feel that we will get to a point where a lot more people will be accepting of homosexuality, but people need to be able to get to that point as they feel comfortable. There are probably a lot of people that won't get to that point in this lifetime, and in my opinion that is totally OK.
Yeah, I'm definitely not going to interpret the Bible for you or what Christianity is more or less about, that's definitely a personal journey - nor am I going to question your Faith; I don't have the power to look at someone's heart nor would I judge it on one aspect of an individual. There sure are a lot of people who are more than willing to give it a go though :P
Obviously, in the Old Testament there is the law, which is fairly rigid. In the New Testament, Jesus made it more grey - James 4:17, "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin." I share that verse in agreement with you that its not necessarily a rigid set of rules of right vs. wrong.
If you were to ask me point blank, I'd be very upfront with you about my conviction about it but I would also point out that its not my role or position in life to control or manage how other people live their lives - and I think that is really important to reaching some level of understanding where we all can live peacefully without having to have all the same convictions on everything.
Regardless of my personal beliefs and what I decide to do (or not do), I have homosexual friends... when I see them I slap them on their behind and tell them they're looking good, to which they usually grin or laugh. They know what my position is, but it doesn't get in the way of being friendly to each other, which is the way I would hope it could be more often than not.
And I think the Foo Fighters had an awesome response to their last run-in with Westboro Baptist Church. The damage control I have to do after they show themselves... oiye.
I can understand where you're coming from. I tend to not bring trans things up unless prompted. I honestly believe most people know anyway, regardless of it being correct.
You're method of showing that you and your partner are more than just your sexual orientation has value. Often that single characteristic is greatly inflated when some apply it to the mental models made of others. As if knowing a person that is straight tells me everything i need to know about them.
I also very much understand choosing battles wisely. There is no point banging your head against the wall waiting for someone stuck in their ways. I will say that I've lost motivation to be around many of these people over the years, simply because I've found greater enjoyment being around those i don't feel like i have to walk on eggshells.
I will add that often in friend groups many people are accepting but in the same boat of not wanting to "upset the conservative." It's always nice to connect with those when in smaller groups. I'm sure they would understand being asked to not mention being gay to so and so. Overtime finding and connecting with open minded people and getting to have the "conversation" helps to strengthen the better friendships and isolate the closed minded person.
(Sry if this needs editing, I'm on my phone for this)
As a gay man with an all-consrevative all-Republican family O can relate. My family found out I was gay when my father died and my then-boyfriend was there to support me. I never came out to them. But I also never hid from them. Living your life openly and truthfully does not have to become a political statement. Anyone who believes so probably isn't loyal anyways.
Oh. I just published a piece one why I'm not fully out. I am happy and sad to read this.
its a great post. People who enjoyed my article should definitely read it. Thanks for sharing!
https://steemit.com/life/@honeyscribe/why-i-stay-quiet-about-my-sexual-identity
Interesting post regarding how you choose to be out! It is sad to me people are still uncomfortable, but I like your approach.
Of course, I also like those who just throw it all out there.
People are amazing! Appreciate the differences!
You don't write it, but I assume that you live in the US. I do not believe that there is a right way to do things. We do not choose where we are born. I live in Denmark, and one of the local priests is openly gay, living with his partner in the vicarage. In the apartment below us live a couple that is openly gay. In my childhood people might have giggled, now nobody really notices, not here in Copenhagen at least.
Cultural norm are like an ocean, and it can take a lifetime before the storms are over. We must all find our own way to float. I find you and your partner's way considerate and peaceful.
Thanks :)
@timcliff
You are merely avoiding confrontation
I suppose that is one way to look at it. I don't really agree though. If someone is talking about the subject in a way that I disagree with (like gay people are fags and going to hell) I will definitely assert my position and speak my mind.
The way I see it is that a lot of people are uncomfortable with it, and to a large extent don't understand. Rather than bring something up specifically with the intent of creating a confrontation, I would rather let them ask me about it if they want to know.