I'm Here, I'm Queer, In Malaysia

When I was still in the closet and just shot my first nude modelling project, the photographer told me he was friends with the founder of "Seksualiti Merdeka", at the time they just had their first protest.

Little did I know, I would become a part of it and meet my first girlfriend through the SM community.

I knew as a teenager that I had crushes on women but being the weirdo in high school, I held a lot of internalized misogyny toward other women. If they were traditionally beautiful, I would hate them. They were so thin, had dates. I was tan and one of the boys.

I was proud to have mostly male friends, as if it was a badge of superiority. These days, I am uncomfortable around male-identified folk in my country since I am a cosplayer and that means I risk running into MRAs and GGers (I won't spell out the acronym for my own personal safety).

A friend introduced me to Steemit and here I am, not only writing for fun but for tips. Soon enough, I was introduced to the LGBT* Discord. They wanted me to join the local Discord but I really don't want to deal with the homophobia/transphobia from fellow Malaysians.

I have also a considered changing my name when the time is right but in Malaysia, you cannot completely erase your previous name, your new name is only added to your birth name as an "alias".

As a possibly agender person, I have attempted to seek out treatment on my own but most online referrals led to nothing. From what I know, getting hormones and surgeries is underground. The doctors who the surgeries are qualified but it's all done as hush hush as say abortions, which are also illegal here. It seems to me hormones are being dealt like street drugs. My ex-girlfriend gets her shots from a trans drag queen.

While I am aware that if I join a local FTM or trans Facebook group, I can easily get all the resources I need to find the right doctor to treat me. However, I am just a starving artist and I cannot afford a consultation. Don't scream at me, I admit I am getting my first round of hormones over the counter and I am planning to self-medicate. I don't dare to join these groups because I want to avoid people I know and I do not want to be judged for not being "trans enough".

I do feel like with how niche Steemit is, I can really spill all the tea about my feelings without necessarily being outed. I don't really want to put it all out there because my eldest sibling is transmasculine and my biggest fear is that people would say I am just "socialized" to be trans which is far from the truth. 

I really don't know when I will come out but when that day comes, I hope everyone understands that I have always been this way, I just know myself better now.

Photo by Terry Memory of Me