Dear Someone, Chapter 1. page 26.
Dear Someone -
The following are letters I’ve written over the past few years. Letters to someone, to no one, to everyone, and even to myself. They are written in no particular order. There are memories fragmented through words. I have changed names and tried not to share anything personal about others.
Dear Someone,
Chapter 1. page 26. The memory of that day lingers on. It was a wednesday. I awoke with a smile. wondering if today I would finally meet you.
I fed the cats, took care of the liter, made some toast for breakfast. I couldn’t eat very much. I read some scripture to find comfort. Passages of responsibility kept popping up. Gelations 6:4-5, Proverbs 28:13, Colossians 3:23. But the ones that linger to this day, Proverbs 22:6. and 2 Corinthians 3:2-3. I had spent countless hours pouring into a journal of letters to you. Pouring over scripture looking for guidance, and deep in prayer. Knowing the road ahead would be rough. Little did I know how hard the road would be ahead of us as a family.
I held your moms hand as you arrived. There was blo,od and the miracle of life all around us as the nurses worked. I nearly passed out that day. With tears in her eyes you were placed into your mom’s arms. The nurses did their job and cradled you up in a blanket. I was afraid. Terror filling my heart and mind. Here’s this little bundle of joy, i’m afraid. Afraid I’m not a good enough man for such a wonderful gift. Your grandmother, who had been there for several weeks prior stayed vigil through it all. She was the first to pick you up all cradled. She handed you off to me. i took you in my arms, you looked up at me. Your eyes, piercing into my heart. This little bundle of joy cradled in my arms. We, in that moment, were a family. The cracks between your mom and I glossed over by this little beautiful child. I texted a few people, posted on various social media hiding the fear and tears in words carefully crafted.
Since then I look back on that day with a smile. I used to say it was my third favorite day of my life. After life has happened the way it has, I can honestly say it was the second best day of my life. The first, being when we found out you were coming. as terrified as I was when you were born, I was even more terrified when we found out you were coming. I remember being scared, and unfortunatley made a few mistakes on how i reacted. Be careful on how you handle emotions my child. You never know how your own fear will steer conversations in directions you will regret. Where I was overjoyed and terrified, i chose terror. where I should have felt love and given love, i felt nothing for myself but emptiness… in turn I handed that darkness off to your mom. Unable to show or convey the message the way I needed to. I was not good at emotions. Instead of taking the opportunity to step up and be the husband and father I needed to be, at that time i coward into my own fears. Became a slave to them. If you read this, know I am sorry. I hope that I have learned better, and become a far better man than I was. If your mother reads this. I hope she knows how sorry I am. How thankful I am that her and I were in this journey long enough to have you.
This one was written about my son. Shortly after his mom left, and called it quits in 2015. I am a single dad now, and my son is growing and loving life. He is super bright and very cunning. I can't believe that something so precious came from me with all the mistakes that I've made to bring us to where we are. Every day I'm thankful that the Universe blessed me with him!