Dear Someone, A Fragmented Memory

Dear Someone,

Thank you for reading this. I hope it reaches you and helps you. I’ve always said I’d love to use the pain and torment of my life to help others. if the words I write help you through what you are going through than my life had purpose. If it hit you right in the feelings and brought up memories long forgotten. I hope you see that those memories are always a part of you.

Dear someone is a series of letters written to someone, no one, everyone, and nothing. It is the intent to share my memories and moments with others. Some of these are works of pure fiction. Others speak straight to from the heart. No offense is intended, some memories have been shifted. Names have been carefully omitted and some situations have been purposefully rewritten to protect those involved.

Dear Someone, A Fragmented Memory.

I took you to dinner in college. It’s been so long that I have long forgotten your name. I know we were in class together at one point. I remember trying to ask you out, but lacking the confidence to do so. It was easy to talk to you, but those words “would you like to grab dinner” failed to pass through my lips. Until one day I finally asked, and you turned me down. We exchanged numbers, and talked a bit more. I went through an appendix rupturing during that class, but wondered if anyone actually noticed I wasn’t there. Especially you.
A few months after the class was done and “in the bag” as some say. We bumped into each other, and I asked if you’d like to catch up. You finally said yes. We talked for a little while about the past few months and about each other. You were good at reading people. I guess that’s why you were interested in going into psychology.
While I wish I could remember your name it escapes my memory the conversation you and I had will always remain. I don’t remember the entirety of the conversation, but for the sake of this letter, i’ll try. During a brief pause you said to me, do you know why I couldn’t go out with you when you asked me a while back. It’s because you have such a big heart. You are not a short term relationship, you are a long term guy. You are a great guy, and fun to be around. You have a lot to learn, yes. But at your core, you are a great guy. You easily open up and pour your big caring heart out to complete strangers. You like to experience people, thus why you gravitate towards new people so fast. You become intrigued, you want to discover them and get to know them. This comes off very strong. And for someone who doesn’t know you, in honesty it pushes people away. Do not take this wrong, it IS you who pushes people, mainly girls, away because of how big your heart is. It’s intimidating, and sometimes hard to look past to see who you are. But, this doesn’t mean you are doomed as I know your mind is probably racing right now. it means that when you love you will love with all your heart. when you find that person that finds a way to get past the big heart, and blankets themselves with it they will be safe. If you don’t hold onto the darkness that plagues you, it will be a great relationship. Unfortunately, finding someone to look past that will take time. When some walk away from that, it will hurt worse than you’ve ever known. But you have to learn and be gentle. Be the gentle guy I have come to know. She will find you. Be yourself.
Those words echoed into my mind for years. How did you know me so well when we knew so little about each other. I wish I had held onto those words, instead of letting the darkness of depression and selfishness take hold. There’s a lot of life between where I am now, and that conversation.
Maybe one day we will bump into each other again. If you ever read this, I want you to know that you helped me through a pretty rough time. What you didn’t know is I was lost, and you helped light my path for a while.
I don’t feel like “a great guy” after all the mistakes i’ve done. I’m not proud of those moments, but i’m thankful that I went through them. Thankful because those moments have helped me to learn.
I wonder what you are up to now. Do you have kids, a husband, a wife perhaps. No, that’s just silly. You were totally into guys. But then again, people change and it’s not impossible. I wonder if you still have that shoulder length brown hair.
Memories of that class with you and those times fragmented in my head. but i’m thankful for the memory you gave me.