Love Letters ... | 2
... love letters to the one who will never read them...
And here I find myself, redirecting all my thoughts to nowhere because everywhere leads to you.
Each song, each bird, each letter I write. Each and every thought, and each cramp in my stomach. Each failed heartbeat. They all lead to you. And I find you in my mind, and my chest bursts with pressure to scream...
And I recall in my mind again and again every possible encounter with you, how it would have been, this or that way, or how it could be in future if it happened that or this way... what would I do if I saw you face to face? what would I do if you said anything to me? Would you be angry, would you be kind, would you be nasty.... would you be? Would I pretend I am ok, that is all ok or would you be able to see that I'd be dying to hold you tight and kiss you?
And the soundtrack of my thoughts keeps being Shatter me, breaking out of my mind and stopping any thought from being in my mind, not seeing you, not thinking about you, not imagining your eyes looking at me, your hands caressing my face... I want to forget it all exists in my mind. I want to forget you ever existed because I will never be able to feel your hands, your touch, your warmth.... getting you completely out of my soul or completely in my life... ... but you are embedded within myself...
... I've never had much luck in leaving behind thoughts or feelings unless I lived them and they proved to fail to my respect.... so I know it will be difficult to remove your nonexistence from all my existence without even having tried, not even having had the chance that you look at me in the eyes and know that I mean each and every word I say.
So the long nights keep tiring me of waiting to fall asleep, only being able to think about you and all the possible scenarios in which we could meet. I cannot sleep and when I finally sleep and find you again in my dreams, I don't want to wake up again.
... lost faithless without the hope to see you. Empty and broken into pieces that I cannot even distinguish, the dust that runs between my hands like sea sand, like an hourglass dropping endlessly, dragging me through the timeless never-ending uncertainty of your nonexistent presence, your eternal being in my colliding thoughts.
And if only my passion could replicate a reality, I would prove you like I have done before, that it would only ever grow day by day. That my love would only remain true and grow every second, every minute, every hour, every forever we touch.
If only you could know how deep my sincere love would bow at you, with never-ending adoration and complete surrender... if only... if only you knew how I long to wake up next to you each morning, to see you before I fall asleep each and every night... if only you could just imagine the intensity of this feeling that I so wish you welcome... if only...
...so I will carry on dreaming, thinking, hoping, feeling I have you when I don't and perhaps never will..
So I will carry unraveling this skein of tangled emotions and trying to carry on cross-stitching the tiny bits of a heart long broken, long beaten, long disposed of...
dreaming with your nonexistence within all my existence ...
Ref. Shatter me -Lindsey Stirling