Short story: "Charusheela experiences separation..."

Since Charusheela had been taking guidance from Srila Girik das she noticed many extraordinary changes taking place within her. She no longer was concerned about doing everything strictly. No longer felt anxiety at not doing something perfectly. She was no longer "goal" oriented. Doing something in the present to achieve something in the future. The past and future all seemed to have no substance at all. Only the present existed and she existed in the present.

Sometimes she was elated. Feeling connected with the source of all creation. Seeing the Truth of the Creator in everyone and everything everywhere. What a wonderful experience. She longed to always remain in that awareness. And to come in closer to the Lord as a personal friend.

When she was in that elated condition she could not even conceive of it ever ending. But every now and then there were clouds. When they came they blocked the vision. Then she felt alone and separated from the source of creation and felt she had no friend of well-wisher anywhere. Only others making demands on her that she could not possibly fulfill.

She would have trouble sleeping. During the daylight even though she was in the dark inside at least there were the sunlight and activities outside. But when the sun went down and the darkness came outside as well her despair grew to unbearable intensity,

She would cry and cry. Somehow the sounds she made were piercing the covering of the universe and the soul. They were incredible sounds. Expressing things that there was no way words could ever express. A kind of language. Not really words. But vocal and very loud. Reminding Charusheela of a baby before he learns to talk making babbling sounds as if to someone else but no one else is visible.

Fortunately, Charusheela lived far enough away from others so as not to disturb them. Surely they would call emergency services if they heard this. Perhaps thinking someone was being tortured or something.

Sometimes in the semi-darkness, she could distinctly feel the presence of someone else in the room. Her hair would stand on end and feeling fear that it may be some demonic spirit she would cry out louder. Her body completely chilled and she stunned and motionless. This last time she thought to become stronger and bolder to go further into this experience. After all, she was simply trying to surrender to God. Certainly, there would be all protection if this was a malevolent force.

Sometimes she could feel the presence of several entities. it was her fear that sent them away. She was calling out, someone was coming and when they came she would chase them away. She though next time, and she was certain there would be the next time, she would ignore the fear.

The first time these experiences happened it was very bewildering and she thought for sure she had gone completely insane and the government would come and lock her up. But now after this third episode, she had come to accept that it was something that was actually helping her to grow spiritually perhaps like a spiritual baby she was simply crying out.