Dan AE (After Employment) Journal - Day 4: The Month Ahead

It's Monday. The start of a new week, and the start of a new month. A month that I intend to spend not pursuing any employment of any kind.

Today I spent some time catching up with a few former colleagues from different stages of my career, the kind of people who are driven by ideas and possibility, the kind of people who turn thought into action, the kind of people who are motivated, streamlined and efficient. These type of individuals are necessary in everyone's life to invigorate the soul, remind you of what's possible and why you get out of bed in the morning, and also that you might not be quite as good as they are. Lots of conversation, several avenues to pursue. Of course now comes the easy part, execution. Just a simple matter of setting realistic and achievable short term goals and then sticking to them, something significant and creative I want to accomplish this month, and then take small steps each day to realize it. That's all. No problem. So, here's how the month will likely go down:

Week 1: Still elated from a combination of excitement and terror, overcome by the initial feeling of freedom and possibility and unencumbered by any real challenge or setback. I get to finally devote my days to doing and learning what I want. I make a plan for what I want to accomplish. I tell myself that no matter how small or trivial, it will be the important first steps on my new path of self development and authenticity

Week 2: Now in the second week of my month long project, I start making headway, but running into a few roadblocks and not making as much progress as I would like. I tell myself it's still early in the month and to not get discouraged. Everything will come together. There's still time. I can make it up.

Week 3: By week three, I find it hard to keep on task. Distractions start creeping in and I start worrying about being able to complete my goal in time. A tinge of self doubt sits in my stomach. I wonder, if I am not able to achieve my first short term objective, what makes me thing I can do anything on my own. I manage to stay on task, trying not to panic.

Week 4: Full on panic has set in. I have now spent three weeks of my life building something that does not work at all. Three weeks of savings wasted that I could have been spent pounding the pavement trying to secure another job. I realize to myself the reason why most of the world doesn't do this, why everyone who is sensible tries their best to seek out a stable source of employment and stay there as long as possible until they collect unemployment. What if this continues? The longer I'm not employed, the older I will get, the harder it will become, right? How will I survive? What will I do? Will I be a department store greeter? Shit. Even a menial IT, held desk or data entry job would spare me the stress of not knowing where my next pay check will come from. Why did I think this was a good idea. I'm so screwed...

Let's hope that at least having an upfront awareness of the impending week by week degeneration of my confidence and self worth will help me better deal with it. Somehow I doubt it.