Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 5th January 2018
Yoo are perverted, sick and twisted
Original post: http://csyd.es/1/202
Punctual people have nothing better to do.
England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-looking books. So she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."
Q: Where do you learn to make banana splits?
A: In sundae school.
A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?
"Yes, I did."
"Did you call him stupid?"
"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"
"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"
Q: What is a baby’s motto?
A: If at first you don’t succeed, cry and cry again!
Enjoy the little things in life
Original post: http://csyd.es/1/203