Original post: http://bit.ly/2DpW3NA
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the pretty young wife. "Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her.
"I'll be back before you know it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."
Q: What is the definition of a bachelor?
A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony.
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door.
When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her.
The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides to tells her husband.
The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks, "Do you have vagina?"
"The woman says, "Yes."
"The man then responds, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!"
A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands.
There is one kid in the back named Little Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Rachael to answer. Rachael stands and says,"A...Apple"
The teacher replies,"That's great, Rachael, good job."
So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Little Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on Donna. Donna says, "B...Baseball."
And the teacher replies,"Good Job, Donna."
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Little Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Little Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him.
"Okay Little Johnny, what starts with R?" she says.
"R...Rat" Little Johnny replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment.
"Yeah," says Little Johnny, "Big-ass fucking rat, with a dick ten inches long!"
Q: What's worse than a cardboard box?
A: Paper boobs!
Big Bang Theory
Original post: http://bit.ly/2DqFtxf
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