I don't suffer from insanity
Original post: http://csyd.es/1/787
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The teacher was giving a lesson on verb tenses to her second-grade class, explaining the past, present, and future tenses.
The past is what has already happened, such as eating your breakfast and morning recess, she explained. "The present is right now; what's happening at this moment. The next tense is about what's going to happen. Does anyone know what we call what's going to happen next?"
I know said one boy. "Lunch!"
Q: What's the best parting gift?
A: A comb.
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
First guy: "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask."
Second guy: "What kind of question?"
First guy: "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly."
Second guy: "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
First guy: "Yeah, that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
Okay, said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained.
Q: How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A: Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
There's no wifi in the forest
Original post: http://csyd.es/1/300