Make day funny (1534m)

The next person to show me that dress... ...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, ""Oh alright, I'll stay the night.""

When I got pregnant people would always say 'eating for two now are we?' I'd tell them to bugger off, I'm not cutting down.

I just made the greatest construction-related pun of all time Works on so many levels

You ever get so drunk you write your social security number in the tip slot on your bar tab?