Job hunt aka the battle of the witless

After working for the same company for over 5 years now, I have recently decided that it’s time to spice up my professional life. ‘Get out there! See what else is on offer!’ - shouted some part of my brain (the one that’s clearly more out of touch with reality than I suspected). So I launched an experimental job hunt, hoping to find out whether there is, indeed, something better out there (and if I can continue complaining about my current job in clear conscience).

Firstly, I have to admit I felt a little bad about looking for a job. It's true that I dislike my current job, but I highly doubt that any other office post would make me any happier. In the end I figured that, these days interviewing is pretty much like dating on Tinder. You know they’re not serious, they know you’re not serious, but you pretend you are just for the fun of it.

So I started a casual job hunt. Any kind of a job that vaguely suits my profile. “Management of disoriented graduates” position Boom! Sent. “Project management for dummies” - sent. “Converting Excels to CSVs but hey, we have an onsite hair salon” position, - sent. (not kidding you, all real-life stories).

Surprisingly, my funky CV with a trivia section got me interviews in most of the jobs I applied for. That was the first shock.

The second shock came, when I realised that some of the brilliant HR minds did not even bother to read my funky CV. A fact that became obvious after I was asked questions such as “Who will you be relocating with” in an interview for a company based in the exact city I live in. I have to admit, I wish I had a brilliant comeback to that one, like… “Oh, which company are you calling from, again?” but unfortunately at the time the only answer I could come up with was “Well, I actually live around the corner from your office, so… I guess… no one?”

The third shock was the salary expectation question. I came to truly hate it. First time round, I gave a number. Bad choice, obviously. The second time round, I asked for their offer and received no reply. Also a bad choice. Third time round, I just refused to answer. Come on, HR. I know that you don’t want to pay me more than you absolutely have to. And you know, that I want to get paid as much as I can squeeze out of you. So just cut the freakin’ chase. Make me an offer when you’re ready to hire me. And then we talk numbers. Meanwhile, middle finger to you.

The fourth shock was something that I should have probably realised before starting to apply for jobs, but my brilliant mind has somehow managed to skip over: people actually want me to convince them that they should hire me. Yeah, like hell. First, you tell me how this job will make me a greater person. Why should I choose to work for you and not somebody else? Why are you even recruiting for this position? Where have you buried the body of my would-be predecessor? Interview clue #1: those questions don’t sit too well with hiring managers. Good side of it, is that at least you get to see their ugly side right away, as they shout you out of their office.

To my great surprise, an employee, or a job seeker, is at a disadvantage from the moment they apply for a job. You have to give your best painted monkey impression every single time one of the current gods of the corporation even looks in your direction.

Nobody seems to realise, that working together is all about collaboration. When I look for a job, it’s because I genuinely want to create something, give something back and be surrounded by nice people while I’m doing it - especially considering that a full time job takes a better part of my waking life. I refuse to put on my best smile and pretend to be someone I’m not. When you’re hiring, you might as well just see the real person you’re going to work with. I don’t have another personality. If you don’t like what you see, there’s the door. Oops, my bad. I meant, I’ll find the door.

A final conclusion is that if I ever really need to go on a job hunt: I’m f*cked. So I’d better get cracking and become an entrepreneur myself. And then, it will be my turn to not read CVs and look suspiciously at anyone who ever wants to work for me. You. Yes, I’m looking at you. My future financial advisor. Get me those numbers for FY2025. What do you mean you can’t? What do you mean no data?! Show some creativity you little scum or out the door! Now!

PS. I do acknowledge that I speak from a priviledged point of view. I already have a job and I dont' have to worry about paying my bills. Even if that's not the case for everyone reading, I still sustain that job hunting has become far too much of an enterprise these days. And maybe we should all think twice before we agree to become mildly schizophreniac and pretend to be someone we're not just to get a job that we know will make us miserable in the end.