COLLUSIONI DI COPPIA: Introduzione - COUPLES IN COLLUSION: an introduction [ITA-ENGL]

In these complex dynamics, our family plans us so that once we become adults, we relate to others, according to schemes that most of us are totally unaware of. When these schemes apply to couple relationships, they talk about COLLUSIONS. The word comes from the Latin verb cum-ludere, which means "playing together", to show that in relationships each partner has its own active role that engages the other, just like two pieces of puzzle. This, therefore, answers to the initial question, since each one of us falls in love with certain types of people, not others, in search of the unconscious insect to play with. Couple collusion was studied by the Swiss psychiatrist, psychologist and psychoanalyst J. Willi.

"Collusione significa un'intesa inconfessata e dissimulata tra due o più partner, a partire da un conflitto di fondo simile e non superato. Questo conflitto di fondo comune e non superato viene esternato in ruoli diversi, dando l'impressione che un partner sia proprio il contrario dell'altro. Non si tratta però che di varianti polarizzate di qualcosa d'identico." [p. 57]

"Collusion means unconfessed and disguised agreement between two or more partners, starting from a similar and unmatched background conflict. This common and non-overcome conflict comes out in different roles, giving the impression that a partner is just the opposite of the other. However, they are only polarized variants of something identical. "

Willi individua quattro modelli fondamentali di intesa inconscia tra i partner:

1. Il tema dell'amore come fusione nella collusione narcisistica
2. Il tema dell'amore come sollecitudine reciproca nella collusione orale
3. Il tema dell'amore come appartenenza reciproca totale nella collusione sadico-anale
4. Il tema dell'amore come conferma maschile nella collusione edipico-fallica

Willi identifies four fundamental models of unconscious intent among partners:

1.The theme of love as fusion in narcissistic collusion
2.The theme of love as reciprocal solicitude in the oral collusion
3.The theme of love as total mutual membership in the sadistic-anal collusion
4.The theme of love as male confirmation in oedipic-phallic collusion

Ogni coppia può presentare un tema principale ("in figura") ed uno latente ("di sfondo"), che nel corso degli anni insieme possono alternarsi dando vita a fantastiche scenette tipiche, perché ricordiamoci tutti che

Each pair can have a main theme ("in shape") and a latent one ("background") that over the years together can alternate creating fantastic sketches, so let's all remember that what most attracts us in the other is destined with time to become the most troublesome.

But relax, guys, because I have no intention of dealing with a subject of extreme complexity like this. I talk about it not as a couple therapist, but as a family mediator and here I would just like to offer some inspiration that will perhaps open the way for personal insights. I would also like to say that all, really all couples fall into these dynamics and that the difference between a strong couple and one that separates is in the greater or lesser capacity (more or less aware) of "playing" within the own collusion. In other words, those partners who are embedded in their individual niches live a dysfunctional relationship in which each one wrestles and suffers; those who know how to exchange roles and alternate in the two poles which Willi speaks about are able to cross the small and big storms of couple life, because they have a functional relationship to the well-being of both sailors and of the boat. [to be continued...]

Unless otherwis stated, all images are my personal photos made with iPhone6.