The photo of the cat has absolutely NOTHING to do with this post.

in #isolated3 years ago

This subject is a bit different from content I planned to start writing about. I apologize. Also, I can not think of a title for this post. I began writing this a few nights ago, so if the mood in it changes with each new paragraph, it is because I have attempted to finish it a few times, this is what it has become. SMH. It started out being about something entirely different but it has become a shitshow about my week.

shitshow.jpg

Whats up Family?

Today I am a goofy mood. I have been spending far too much time alone, and seem to be hitting walls in every aspect of this life I could have given up on years ago but my life, has a life of it's own. Real shit people. No matter how fucked things get , and I can feel very safe saying not many could have walked a mile in my stilettos without wanting to shoot themselves directly in the face after taking 5 steps, much less a mile.

But yeah, my life is its own entity. I never seem to have control over it. I would have offed myself years ago... but no, my live selfishly wants to live so- I seem to tag along like a sleepy, hungry child being dragged by her  selfish, narcissistic trophy wife, mother to a Bloomingdales sale armed with her  flaccid husbands platinum card.

I have been studying for an apprenticeship that nobody wants to give me because I am a woman. Oh how the tables have turned. I remember when being a hot chick made my life far to easy... Like so easy that my life must not have gotten the memo when I decided that I was over exploiting my looks, and actually wanted to be proud of myself for makin shit happen in my life without a hard dick someplace paying my way... an keeping it 100, I am not 21 anymore, and every year
thousands of younger and way badder girls then me appear from no where. I kept up a competitive spirit for a long time because I knew I was bader at 24 then 95% of the 18 year olds that were fresh in the scene. But let me tell you... trying to compete for so many years with young girls who, when I wiped my clouded ego out of my eyes .. seemed to just get hotter and hotter. Like, It came to a point that no matter what I looked like at there age or at mine... I could not say I compared at all.

I suppose that when you shave off slivers of your soul and sell them, the first price the devil makes you pay... is to force you to eat the forbidden fruit, and for me... when I was force fed that garden of eden apple... I did not find myself to be naked... I lost my confidence. That had to be it, because I know I physically did not change... Just all of a sudden I started to look in the mirror and I hated who was looking back at me. When you hate someone, it is very difficult to see anything pretty about them.

So now after a few years of fighting for who I want to be , with who I was... I am SO close! Finished school. I am certified, I am invested thousands of dollars in equipment for what I want to do. The biggest sacrifice is not being with my little girl who is hitting her teens and needs me so much. But I don't want to talk about that, it is very painful to think about much less type each letter of my thoughts on her.

I have done all the shit grown ups do... including not smoking weed, not bar hopping or trolling on Craigslist or clubbing to distract me from ...gosh ..EVERYTHING. I am trying to be a grown ass woman and do what grown ups do... like study and get into careers that are boring but pay well... ALL I NEED TO Finally GET OUT THIS COCOON and get the one thing I do it all for... to finally be with my baby girl again.

Let me tell you Family! This shits not fun, but I tell myself that this is what grown ups do.

Anyway.. Being that I am a woman and trying to get into a male dominated industry I am having an incredibly hard time. I keep getting told that I can intern for people and they ALWAYS dog me...

I am starting to think that maybe they do not know I am a woman cuz I sure am getting Jerked off like an 18 year old guy in a Tijuana whorehouse!

Today the way I got jerked off was epic! This guy at the very last minute tells me that he does not think I have enough knowledge in this field yet, and tells me that he will call me tomorrow to get some training but when I come he wants me to know ALL of the OSHA, NESHAP,EPA, NIOSH, AHERA, and TDH rules and regulations along with all asbestos CFR's (Codes of federal regulations) and also all the RFCI codes and regs and to make sure I also catch up on the RFCI TAHPR ARC-21 regulations as well! He ads "and try to get it all on a file in your phone too"

Listen, I am sure most of you don't know what any of that is , but it is a lot! The comment about me not knowing enough to intern and to memorize basically every environmental health code and regulation in Texas "by tomorrow" all nonchalantly was an especially nice touch. I know he is trying to passive-aggressively bully me.

I was in a panic all day, and trying to memorize everything he said for me to make sure I knew by the AM.
I looked outside and saw a cat, for some reason I took a picture of it. I guess I needed a 30 second distraction.

That was two days ago, here is how it went since then

I stay up all night studying, then made sure I was ready to walk out the door the next day.
He flaked on me AGAIN!

He was kind enough to let me know that the only thing really holding me back is that I am white and do not speak spanish, and that I am a woman.

Nothing serious or anything. I guess as soon as I can fix those two little setbacks I will be golden.

I FEEL SO ISOLATED

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Here's the funny thing about trying to get into a field dominated by people who are unlike you:

It's hard. It doesn't matter what that differentiation is, whether you be a different gender or literally physically different in some significant way, or differently socialized. You are the outsider.

As such, it becomes incumbent on you to be better than all of your competitors. Life, such as it is, is not a fair place.

In your case, it's even more complicated, because you are inheriting the side effect of the last several years of women making themselves a dangerous commodity to have in a male-dominated workplace. Not because you are inherently less capable of doing any of this kind of work, and not because you are a distraction to anybody who is working professionally there – but because very vocal women have used the fact that they are women to destroy the lives and livelihoods of men that they work alongside using nothing more than a naked accusation.

That you happen to be attractive and are coming to this a little later in life than some other women who may be interested in entering the field doesn't help their concern.

And let's be clear and fair, it is an entirely reasonable concern. That you, personally, are not providing the threat doesn't mean that your presence is not an increased level of threat. That's a real problem. For them.

So to get by that, you have to understand it. You have to accept that doing the grown-up shit is a real pain in the ass. That people will engage with you in a way which minimizes their threat surface. That you have to work twice as hard to prove yourself half as competent.

On top of that, you have to deal with the fact that some of the people in your field are real assholes. That's not particularly specific to your field since it applies to every single field I've ever had experience of, but it's a core issue here.

You need an internship. That means you are probably going to have to continue to work the phones, but instead of letting people tell you that they're going to give you a big quiz, just set up a meeting. Get face-to-face, eye to eye, and tell them that if they want to know how good you are, they're going to have to put you on a job. And stick to that.

The job has to be the focus. Proving yourself as part of the job will happen naturally if you've got the talent. But step one is looking someone dead in the eye and implicitly telling them that you are willing to take the risk of working with them and as such they should take the risk of working with you.

Also, some Spanish lessons. But I think that's just Texas. And Southern California.

You're not alone in your problem set. But you do have to own it, and you do have to understand what your opponents (in this context) actually want and actually need, no matter what they say. That makes outmaneuvering them far more possible.

I agree with you. I think the feminists fuck around with a lot of shit they dont need to and take things way to far. As a result woman are scary to be around in general. I was working for a dentist years ago and we had a girl come in for some cosmetic and I guess she is a model who was also 17. I left the room to go develop some film and when I came back the dentist pulled me aside, furious! He told me to NEVER leave him alone with a female under 18. At first I was wierded out by it and thought he was overly paranoid, but later when i brought it up to my older sister... she said he was right. Just being alone around her and one accusation from her and his business would be over.

Thing is, environmental safety was not my idea. A friend of mine who owns a demolition company told me to come to Texas, and take some classes it would be easy work for big money. But now that I have done everything I was told to do this shit happens. I really do not buy into the American dream theory. You can be whatever you want to be if you chose. Bullshit. I think people become who everyone else wants them to be. Thats why we have so many strippers today...and the feminization of men. Man purses, and all that. Lol..
But seriously... I will figure it out. Thanks for the comment

The American Dream not only exists, it's real.

The part that people neglect to mention is that it is hard. It requires both effort and a certain amount of luck. If it happened all the time, to every body, no matter what, it certainly wouldn't be a Dream.

Establishing and accepting that upfront is part of the secret to understanding how to get it.

Most people like to take the easy course, and the easy course is to become what everyone else wants you to be. There is the slightly less annoying alternative of being what everyone else needs you to be, which has its own profitability and emotional satisfaction, and is definitely something worth looking at.

But you can be anything you want to be. You just have to work hard and get lucky. And keep in mind that luck is as much working hard to put yourself in the right place for things to be going your way as anything else.

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to step up and decide if you're going to make it happen or let it happen. If you're going to make it happen, you pretty much already know what you need to do. If you're going to let it happen, you let a lot of other things happen along the way.

I know which one I prefer.

hey don't let some bloke hold you back , get back into what you want to do and do it , nothing can hold you back or for that matter no one should hold you back , and that is for everyone !! xx

Well... I wish I had gone into something I truly love. But I have not given up yet. I am waiting to meet him now. If he flakes it will be the SEVENTH time.

some men are just not worth in work and personal life , if he wastes your time , tell him straight and embark on your next step , life's too short !