I haven't compare your introduction and mine yet, I believe I can be helpful to you with this simple tips:

I was introduce to steemit by a friend@odsam2 when I barely know anything about it. I decided to read more about steemit and how to make it like my great friends already here.
I discovered a good introduction counts and also your ability to be real here also count, that’s the more reason you hold a placard in your picture attached to your introduction for friends to get to know you well.

I also learnt that following people and commenting on their post also helps and so before I even made my first post I followed people who have been successful here to learn from them.

A favourable comments you even make on someone’s post can even make him or her follow you and eventually upvote you.
Moreover, introducing others to steemit is also important because they will in return follow you and perhaps upvote you.
For other reasons why my post has been successful, I owe it to all my AMAZING FRIENDS, @hien-tran @initforthemoney @underthetree @dipupegu @berkat @manish22rai @younesshilal @komalnimra @marduk777 @odsam2 @younesshilal and many more that I cannot state here

you can follow them and also seek help from friends here, you are always welcome @coryrayleslie80