NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHING!

Won’t you lend me your eyeballs so that I may explain just who the hell I am, how I got here, and why you should care? While you’re at it, share something about yourself in the comment section as well. Let’s work together to grow this revolutionary platform!

My name is Josh. I’m a 29-year old failed salesman with a passion for video games and movies. When I was in college, I was convinced that within ten years, I would be writing for IGN or some other gaming news outlet. Then I graduated, and found myself woefully ill-prepared for the job market I was entering. College had failed to teach me one very valuable thing–that is, to thrive in the workforce, you need to make yourself an exploitable commodity.

I majored in English.

I moved back home, and began looking for any way to begin a career in journalism. I was ready to write puff pieces for the local paper if that’s what it took, but even those opportunities continued to elude me. Eventually, my back was against the wall. I had to take what I could get.

A job opened up with the local newspaper–in advertising–and I took it. The plan was to work in that department until I could move into the newsroom. Three years and three corporate buyouts later, I was right where I started. The newspaper was a sinking ship, and every month, more and more human assets had to be jettisoned to keep the whole thing from going under. Eventually, my number came up.

Losing that job was bittersweet. On one hand, it was a soul-crushing grind that robbed me of my ambition. On the other, it easy and paid my bills. Once again, my future was up in the air.

For the next three months, I searched tirelessly for any job I could get. Then, it happened. I was offered the job that I thought would propel me into a career–salesman. And by that point, I was so defeated that I managed to convince myself that I could learn to find fulfillment in sales.

I tried. I failed gloriously. But my lack of passion for what I did cannot be blamed entirely. There was a sea of red flags.

First, they lowered the salary of the position by almost 50% before I even accepted it. They knew I was unemployed–that I could not afford to say no. Still, I smiled and plowed forward.

Second, nobody had the time of day to properly train me and get me up to speed. This company focused on selling hardware and software to a very niche industry, and I had zero experience in said industry. That wouldn’t normally be a problem, but I had come to learn that my predecessor was an expert. I expressed my concerns to my boss, and they were dismissed.

Why did they need to replace such a valuable employee in the first place? A coworker told me that after a week on the job, he quit with zero notice. He woke up one morning, had a massive panic attack, and couldn't push himself to do it a day longer.

Third, and most alarming of all, was a trip to a trade show on which I accompanied my boss–let's call him Big Dan.

This was where things truly became fucked. Did I forget to mention that his wife would be joining us? We’ll refer to her as Susie.

I met them at the airport, and I knew right away that I was in for a treat. Before we even boarded the plane, Susie had already started an argument with a stranger, and Big Dan was all too ready to join her in creating a scene in the middle of the busy terminal. This would set the tone for the rest of the day.

Every step of the way, from North Carolina to California, they found an excuse to argue amongst themselves or tag team strangers. All I could do is smile and keep my head down.

This tension reached a fever pitch when we finally arrived at LAX. We were standing outside, waiting on our Uber, when Susie made the mistake of asking what Big Dan deemed a stupid question.

“I really am married to a fucking child, aren’t I? Jesus Christ,” Big Dan said.

Susie blinked, glanced at me, then turned her gaze back towards her husband.

“Excuse me? Unless your dick reaches your belly, then you better check your tone!”

Again, all I could do is smile and keep my head down until our ride arrived.

For the next few days, it was business as usual. I spent my days manning a booth on the conference floor, and my nights watching TV in my hotel room.

On the fourth night, however, the situation reached a new level. Big Dan took me and his wife out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant. Susie had been drinking wine since lunch, and kept the ball rolling with a couple of frozen margaritas. She openly imitated other guests, played with her food, and seemed to go out of her way to make everyone around her uncomfortable.

Big Dan, my boss, I remind you, stood and walked outside, leaving me with his drunken wife. I looked across the table, and her eyes had become sad. Tears began to well up.

“I feel sorry for you,” she said. “Having to work with him.”

I laughed nervously.

“Oh, he’s not so bad.”

“He’s not the man you think he is. He hits me, you know.”

I stared back with wide eyes, and she let out a short laugh without smiling.

“Kidding,” she added.

I helped her stand, and supported her so she could walk out to the car.

The next day, I went home.

For the next six months, Big Dan barely spoke to me. So when he called me into his office on a Friday afternoon, I knew I was done.

So, now that I’m here, what can you expect from me?

If you’ll have me, I would love to carve out a niche for myself in this community. It has always been my dream to write and produce gaming content for a living, and this is the first step on that journey. I look forward to meeting like-minded people.

Here is a short list of what to expect in the future:

• Game reviews
• Gaming news
• Gaming op-ed pieces
• Consistent streaming
• Death By Pixel, a video series where I subject myself to the worst games this cruel world has to offer.
• Much, much more

Oh, and I’d love some suggestions for potential entries in my Death By Pixel series. I live to please.

Thank you for your time,

Josh