A Father's Journey, After Divorce: Pt 1 (My Extended Introduction)

This is a very personal story, so it is hard to share in a public forum, but from my experiences thus far on Steemit, it seems like a very positive and encouraging place. In my introduction post, I mentioned that I was divorced, and separated from my kids. I wanted to go ahead and expand on that, because I think there are a lot of other's who have gone through similar things. Here's the first part of my story:

After buckling them all in to their seats in their mother’s SUV, I let out a heavy sigh, and stood just outside the door, not knowing what to say. They did their own thing, casually, not knowing the gravity of the situation. I had explained earlier that day, that today was the last day they would see daddy on a regular basis, but my daughter was only 5, and the two boys were only 3 and 2. They couldn’t understand the full implications of the situation.

I said my most heartfelt goodbye, and they said goodbye casually, as if they expected to see me again the next day, which made it all-the-more heartbreaking. I lingered as long as I could to prolong the moment, because, I knew it might be a full year till I would see them again. I could only keep them so long, because they had a very long drive ahead, since they were moving to another state, over a thousand miles away. I did one last check to make sure they had all the toys and clothes that they were going to bring with them. I said goodbye again, for about the fifth time, and then I shut their doors, and finally let them go.

With a heavy heart, I made my way back into the house. I entered the living room, and sat on the couch in a daze. It was too much to process. Too many thoughts and feelings. As I looked around the room, I saw the toys they had decided to leave. They were still in the places they had been playing with them. I knelt down on the ground to pick them up, but I couldn’t. I thought about how they played with them. I thought about how precious and innocent they were. I thought about how unfair and cruel it all was! I put my head on my arms, on the floor and cried bitterly.

Before and After

I said goodbye to my kids just about 5 years ago, and I would love to tell you that everything turned out great, and that there was a happy ending, but unfortunately, life isn’t typically that clear cut. My journey to reunite with them has turned out much differently than I had ever anticipated.

When my ex-wife first approached me with the idea of moving to another state to follow her fiancé for work (not even a year after our divorce), I was extremely upset, and I immediately got a lawyer to fight her on it. After spending thousands of dollars (that I didn’t have), and my lawyer telling me that he felt there was a 50/50 chance that I would win, I decided to make a deal. I told my ex that I wouldn’t fight her on moving, if she would give me joint custody (at the time, I only had weekends). In other words, the plan was that, after having some time to prepare, I would move to the same state as them, and at that point, we would start the new custody arrangement. She quickly agreed to my terms, and our lawyers wrote up the legal documents to set it in stone.

I wasn’t very thrilled about the idea of moving, because she was taking the kids away to a place where neither of us had any family, and all of my family were living in the state of which we were currently residing. But at the same time, I didn't like the 50/50 odds my lawyer had given me, and I thought that I could at least have some measure of control over the situation by making a deal, and maybe by doing so, things would be better off in the long run.

Preparations

After saying goodbye to the kids, and going back to daily life, I started seriously considering my options. There wasn’t very much job opportunity for someone of my skillset in the state they had moved to, and with child-support, my current job didn’t pay enough for me to make ends meet. I had recently been talking to some old friends from college about an idea they had to start an online business, and I thought the idea could have some merit, and once getting it off the ground, an online business would be perfect, because I could theoretically live anywhere, and still be able work.

I decided that I would move to Utah, where my friends were living and see what we could do with this business idea. I had lived and gone to school there before, so I knew the area, and had friends, and some family living there, so it seemed like a good place to make some opportunities, and on top of that, it was slightly closer to the state my kids had moved to.

In the meantime, sadly, I had to sell my house, and move in with my parents for a few months, in preparation for my move out of state. Maybe it would have been financially smart to stay longer, but I hadn’t lived with my parents for about 10 years, and as a grown man, I felt a strong desire to make my own way.

As I prepared for the move, I had been talking to my kids on Skype at least once every week, and it had started to sink in for them, that they weren’t able to see me regularly anymore. My daughter seemed the most affected, since she was the oldest. I did my best to comfort her through several tearful Skype sessions. I stayed strong for her, and just tried to stay focused on the fact that daddy would be moving close by in a year. The passage of time was still an abstract concept to her, so she would ask me how many days. It was hard to tell her numbers in the hundreds.

A Somber Night

As I had said, maybe it was hasty, but, even though my parents were extremely supportive and kind, I had to move forward with my life, so at the first possible moment, I packed up my things and made my way to Utah. It just so happened that the first possible moment was the day before Christmas Eve. I drove several hours into the late evening, and decided to stop in Boise to get some sleep before continuing the next day. I still had money leftover from selling my house, but funds were limited, so I just slept in my car instead of getting a hotel room.

I headed out early the next morning, and later that afternoon, I finally arrived at my new dwelling. It was a pretty nice two-story house in a quiet suburban neighborhood. Sadly, due to my budget constraints, I only could afford a single room, and had to share the rest with house-mates. After meeting them, I figured house-mates were nice enough, though maybe a little rough around the edges. My room was pretty small, but I figured I could make due. If not, at least I was on a month to month lease.

The rest of the day, I just unpacked my car, and did a little grocery shopping. I had also posted on Facebook, and texted some of my friends that I had arrived, in hopes that maybe someone would invite me over for Christmas Eve. I didn’t get any invites, but I understood, because, as I said, I had moved pretty hastily, so it was short notice, and I didn’t mention to anyone that I didn’t have anywhere to go.

The bright part of the evening, was that I had a Skype session with my kids. My family celebrates on Christmas Eve, so I got to watch them open the presents I had sent to them. I talked to them each individually for a little while, but not quite as long as usual, because they were too distracted and excited to play with their new toys.

After hanging up on Skype, and shutting off my laptop, I sat for several minutes in my dimly lit room. After getting rid of most of my stuff, and only leaving with enough things to fit in my tiny Honda Accord, the only lighting I had was a desk lamp, that I had put on the floor, in the corner.

I got up, and peaked out the window through my blinds, deep in thought. It was snowing and there was a thick layer on the ground. The night was beautiful. It looked like Christmas outside, but inside, it looked like a sparsely furnished room with dingy walls and a carpet that probably should have been replaced a few years back.

I started to regret leaving home so quickly. I could picture my family gathered together in a bright, warm, decorated living room, opening presents and eating delicious food. It made my surroundings look that much more sad and empty.

I decided, before allowing myself to fall into too much gloom, I would try and concentrate on the positive, the reason’s I left, the opportunities for a fresh start… I pulled up my blinds, and turned off the lamp, so that I could only see the beautiful snowy night. I also picked up my guitar, and played some music, whatever came to mind. I ended up writing a song (If you’d like to hear it, you can do so by clicking the link below).

https://soundcloud.com/user-255093773/winter-night

Though the night was melancholy, I still felt some hope, and some excitement for the future. Little did I know the sadness, the trials, and the triumphs that still lay ahead.

Please feel free to comment if you feel so inclined. I'd love to hear your questions, or feedback. Stay tuned for Part 2. Thanks!