Growing up I was insecure to the point of not being able to speak to other people to avoid stuttering. When I finally convinced my mom to order pizza I couldn´t call the pizza shop myself because I wholeheartedly believed that the person on the other side of the phone would laugh at my stuttering. I was 8 years old and was so worried at what other people would think of me when meeting me that I chosed to be a loner. 

My brother is three years younger than me. When I was twelve I used to spend my weekends playing video games while he was outside playing ball or engaging our neighbours. I got so nervous when people rang the door because I didn´t want to speak to other people. I remember one time when he got bullied by some kids my age on my neighbourhood, he came crying to me and I had to gather all of my courage and went out and stood up for him. I am a black belt on tae-kwon-do since I am 16 but at that time I was only a green belt but still, I took care of both of them and that was it, noone ever again bullied my brother. But I was still bullied by older kids.

Yes, I loved that Dracula costume.

Another thing, I grew up in Mexico´s social circle where being white and/or blonde was the norm. My brother came out white but I came out a little darker and that played a significant role on my life. I used to be bullied because of my stuttering but also because of my skin color.

Of course i had other costumes!!

I went to a psychologist and she said I was stuttering because my mind was going twice as fast as my capacity of speaking so my brain would get confused and chose to give me time to react by stuttering. Great job, useless brain.

I was already thirteen and I started to get interested in girls. Yeah, imagine that, this not so handsome kid with a dirt moustache (I didn´t shaved back then) having all this psychological burden on his back trying to speak to girls. Back on my day you used to call the girl´s house and ask to speak with her. As you may have guessed, I tried it once and that was it, I didn´t do it again until I was like eighteen.

Highscool came and I was decided to stop being this person. I just couldn´t take it anymore. Actually girls started to have an interest on me but I just couldn´t even speak to them and when I could, all of the magic was gone and they just got this look on their face like Is this dude for real?

I had friends, I wasn´t a total reject (even though I should have been) and I was playing an important role on my gang everytime girls weren´t around. Here is a pic of my crew back in middle school.

But that had to change. For real, you black stutter (that is how a bully used to call me when I was thirteen). So one summer I decided to come back a differente person. I started to read outloud in front of the mirror, to try and speak with anyone who dared to do it on the streets, I even called a few random numbers on the phone (which my mom found out and grounded the food out of me). But the challenge was already confronted, I had to return to sophomore year a new person. It took a lot of courage but also I had to realize that I had a problem and if I wanted to fix it I had to take the bull by its horns.

It worked. It freaking worked.

I started to gain confidence and to believe in myself and that played a mayor role on my stuttering. I still had it but I even found ways to hide it. When I knew it was coming (as a stutter you just know it) I would coff or yawn and allow me to gain air and stop my thinking for a second. It was working!!

Yes, it worked.

Anyway, highschool was awesome after that. I thought of me as a new person and with everything to gain and nothing to loose. Here i am with my highschool crew where I was a very important member if not the leader (yes, I even changed schools).

From then on, everything changed, in college I even got a girlfriend and it went though for three years. We were in love and she showed me a lot about relationships. Also it meant a lot for me because she was the first white girl I could convince to be my girlfriend.

But with that confidence, the drinking started. Being 22 years old and having this perfect life... It all started to dissappear... 

But you´ll know all about it on my next post, for now just...

Remember, Be Here Now