Page from my diary: anxiety, silent spirit killer

Anxiety: Silent spirit killer

Sitting on the aeroplane from South Africa to England, my palms start to sweat as I silently pray my way through the constant turbulence that just seem to go on for ever and ever. I have had this fear of flying for a many years now. It was nothing new to me. Due to my lifestyle I do fly more than the average person yet it seemed that every time I stepped onto a plane I would be more nervous than the previous time. A few days after our arrival in the UK the symptoms of anxiety started to set in fast. I have never experienced anything like this before. As my husband and I were on a strict diet at the time competing for a bodybuilding title I thought that I might have overdone the diet and so I called my doctor back in South Africa to explain my current reactions.

The symptoms that I was experiencing was very close to that of ketoacidosis; the extreme state that my body could enter into based on the diet that I was on. My symptoms included hot flushes, bloodshot eyes, heart palpitations, itching skin and a rash that came and went. Late at night I would lie awake in bed to scared to fall asleep because I thought that if I close my eyes I would not wake up again.

As the days went by my symptoms became worst. The most worrying symptom was the constant hyperventilation. Soon I could not eat a whole sandwich without having to lie down to catch my breath again. Walking from the bedroom to the kitchen became a exhausting task. I would permanently feel like I could just not get enough oxygen into my lungs. Not knowing if you will be able to take another breath is extremely scary. I decided to see the local doctor.

Once at the doctor I was tested for ketoacidosis. The test came back negative. I simply could not understand what my body was reacting so badly to.

JUMP

It is morning and I am glad to be alive. Thank you God. Last night I had to fight off yet another anxiety attack. I am not too sure if the attack followed through as the symptoms was quite sever however I got through it without any medication. In the afternoon already I could feel the heavy breathing coming on. Hyperventilation is not fun at all because it affects the way you breath. It targets your source of life. It simply feels as if you cannot get another breath of air. Your breathing is heavy and shallow and you long for a deep breath to fill your lungs. It almost feels like that moment before you follow through on a yawn. So there I was; Hyperventilating for a few hours already and now it was time to go to bed. By now I have started to struggle to breath and I am very uncomfortable. I need to get myself together. My husband is lying next to me, blissfully unaware of the battle that I am fighting. I get up and go into the bathroom. I am now addressing the problem loudly. "Satan! The blood of Jesus is against you! I plead myself under the precious blood of The Lamb." I return to bed only to find myself hyperventilating even more than before. I get out of bed and take my IPad with me. This contains my gospel music and many scriptures regarding anxiety. I walk downstairs to my daughters room and there I start to read aloud some key scriptures. It's not working. I can't focus. I now get on my knees and I start to pray in tongues. My left hand is now starting to feel numb; a typical symptoms of anxiety. "My God has already healed me" I keep repeating to myself over and over. I suddenly remember that I have to go through this because if I do not go through this then how can other I help other people with the same problem. Jesus already told me this through scripture about about a month ago. " (NET) Hebrews 2:18 For since he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted." I need to fight this battle so that I can train others in combat. It is truly a matter of good versus evil. "(NET) Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens."

As I am praying I feel that I have to stop because I am too tired for the battle that lies ahead. Why must I battle? My God already healed me.

I place my IPad on my daughters bed and I put on my favourite gospel album. I know that I need to occupy my mind so I throw out my daughters drawer of mixed puzzles and I start to sort through them as I am listening to the soothing sounds of my worship album. I can feel my body starting to calm down. I get up to go blow my nose in the bathroom and as I do so I see that my left eye is bloodshot. Another sign of anxiety. I ignore tis and continue to sort puzzles.

A short while later my husband comes downstairs to check on me. He offers to help me in whichever way he can. I ask him to pray for me as I continue to sort puzzles. About a minute later he says "ok I prayed for you". With a smile on my face, a sarcastic smile I must admit, I thank him and he sits down to sort puzzles with me. How I would have appreciated to be married to an active believer! God promised me that my husband will be an active believer and this is just another reason for the devil trying to wipe me out. Maybe he did actually pray and maybe he does have faith. I do not know.