Please allow me to introduce myself... and why I don't own a smart phone. (Who now has Sympathy for the devil stuck in their heads?)

So how do I introduce myself?
Well here I am in a new place with no idea what I’m doing or how things work so I fall back on the old tried and trusted name.
Alienbutt, a name I can trust. But is this me? Well he is a creation of me so you get more than just a random name. How many other people turn to waffling when they don’t have a clue what to say or have to talk about themselves?
Name apart though I’m a husband and a dad and after I had to give up work to care for my better half I somehow became a story teller. I’ve got books published but I can’t claim to be an author as they’re serious folk who work at their craft. I on the other hand opened a number of bottles of whisky and wrote a very daft and silly science fiction story. I tell stories in the hope I can make a total stranger laugh and it seems to work from the feedback I’ve received. Now I’m not famous or rich (breaking even with my books is the aim.) and if I said Glenn Scrimshaw writes books you would say Who?
Well that’s me, the real name hiding behind the Alienbutt.
So I’m here because I write and hide online to avoid doing the housework. I’m good at avoiding doing housework and my kids take after me and are equally good at avoiding tidying their rooms, but that is a whole different blog to come. I mean who hides half eaten yogurts down the side of their bed or sleep on a bed of biscuit crumbs? The tales of terror I could tell you about tidying their rooms and the things I find rotting on forgotten dirty pots lurking under the beds. Such things have led to letters of complaint from the monsters who hide under the beds with the threat of legal action if their dwellings are not made habitable and the offending items removed.
Waffling on again… I tend to go off at tangents and never stay on subject. I used to play online games, (I still would but need to find another one.) and would often get into trouble on the forums for not sticking to the post subject. In fact my two main story heroes were first developed from games and the characters I created to play them. So I got Piestoff Alienbutt, the drunk junk food addict hero who is destined to save the universe and Eloim, the teenage cross dressing vampire. Why have upstanding white knights as the hero when you can have a battered squire with issues?
OK so I’m wandering all over the place here but for those still reading you are learning things about me. I have a dog and a cat too, not so keen on the cat as she treats the place like a hotel only coming in to be fed or to demand attention. Anyone who doesn’t have a cat just think teenage son with far more attitude and sharp claws.
So this is me and my car crash of an introduction, If I can work out how to add pictures I’ll add one of me so you can put a face to the waffle and then avoid me if you see me on the street. That’s another thing about me, I’m rubbish with technology so if I ever ask you to explain anything make sure you include pictures. I think I’m the only person that doesn’t have a smart phone as I can’t work out that touch screen thingy on them.