Positivity Challenge; Unmet Expectations Will Ruin Your Positive Energy, Here's How to Avoid it!

markrmorrisjr (70)in #inspiration • 7 years ago

I grew up in a fantasy world, or more correctly, dozens of them. From mystery, to scifi, to classics that plunged me into an imagined world that reflected a historical reality that no longer existed, I spent as little time in the “real world” as possible. My ideas about how life should be were shaped by these experiences. Some of it was good, some not so. But the one thing that definitely came out of it was a huge collection of unrealistic expectations.

In my mind, honor was everything. The world was black and white, good guys were inherently good, while bad guys were irredeemably evil. This was fine as long as it was applied to things I had no control over. In childhood, this simplistic view is shared by most of us, it’s the framework we use to begin understanding the nature of the world.

When you begin to bring things into finer focus and apply this same “world view” to things at arms length; interpersonal relationships, education, work, family settings, it breaks down for obvious reasons. People are not fictional characters. None of exists as a contained figment of an author’s imagination and our responses are less than predictable in most cases.

So, I navigated by a set of principles that I thought would bring me the results I wanted. And it started to hurt. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t respond in the patterns I’d established for them. I didn’t get that me repeating the same action might get different results in each case. Rather than assume my world view was skewed, or even completely fantastical, in my youthful exuberance, I doubled down.

As the conflicts between my inner world and the reality around me increased, I began to despair, then I grew angry. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was experiencing the direct fruit of unmet expectations. I’d created an elaborate map of my life, as I saw it playing out, and the world was simply refusing to comply with my demands.

Later in life, I became a theatrical director, which suited me to a T. Here was a world I could manipulate, where outcomes were certain, and I could bend the subtleties of the personalities within it, to my will. My expectations, within the constraints of the talent and resources at my disposal, could be met completely, or nearly enough to make me happy.

I worked along at this for over a decade, happily crafting this fictional narrative alongside my “real life” and for the most part, it worked. But, as happens to many who seek a life in the arts, reality poked in its ugly head. While I could see from the inside, the value in what I was producing and the cost in energy and hard work, the sweat equity, of my productions, the world wasn’t seeing it that way.

While I saw myself as working hard for what I was getting, many people saw what I did as playing and their expectation of what made a “legit job” didn’t allow them to support me in the way I wanted them to. Unmet expectations reared its ugly head again.

But it never stayed contained to work, it was in my family, in my marriage, in my parenting life, in my friendships. I expected others to treat me the way I wanted to be treated, while they, in turn, had their own expectations of me. As these unmet expectations began to stack up, it created a lot of stress for me. I began to question everything. Was everything I believed in faulty?

I had grown up with the idea of moral absolutes, in an unhealthy way. Yes, some things (abusing helpless children, for example) are always wrong, but those wrongs are not always righted, and doing the right thing was not a fool-proof method of avoiding negative consequences. That was hard for me, then one day, I began to see the world in infinite shades of gray, with very little black and white. But, I had no expectation of this, I couldn’t navigate, I gave up.

The problem of course, as is nearly always the case, was in me, not the whole universe. My understanding was flawed. I was spending too much energy setting up unrealistic expectations that no one else was under any obligation to meet. The gap between my expectations, and the reality of my existence was a painfully big step down.

So, what can we do about unmet expectations? It’s within our power to change it, but it’s not as easy as saying, don’t expect too much. Our emotions tend to have a mind of their own in these issues. So, I’ve outlined some things that helped me to level off a bit and life is getting much easier since.

Get clear on what you really want out of life

Sometimes, unmet expectations are the result of not knowing what we want. We either adopt other people’s notion of how life should be, or we carry forward old ideas we should have discarded. So, we use this filter of expectation that doesn’t necessarily fit us as we are now. I would find myself disappointed, or upset about something that, when I looked at it closer, didn’t really matter to me so much anymore. But, the toxic emotions were still there, infected my days.

As I’ve gotten more intentional about what I truly want out of life, life has gotten easier. I’ve edited things down to what really matters to me, not what I think may matter in the future, or what was important to a younger, less mature me. By using this as my model of what to expect, I’ve reduced my total expectations, and they’re much more focused.

On the flipside, I’ve just stopped setting expectations on things I genuinely do not care about. Period. This one thing has freed me up. It came from a simple interchange with my wife. We were discussing a politically charged issue and I asked what she thought. “It’s never going to affect me, so, I don’t feel like I need to have an opinion on it.” Mind blown.

Set expectations from the inside out

Once you’ve determined what you actually want, set expectations on yourself to help you achieve it. Be kind. It’s easy to even overexert our expectations of ourselves. In reality, we are not in control of outcomes, only effort, and even that can be taken from us by circumstances beyond our control.

By starting with me, I put in place some safeguards for those in my life as well. I expect myself to be kind and understanding toward others, even when it’s tough to do. I can then put systems in place to help develop my habits into a pattern that pushes me in the right direction. Without knowing what I truly wanted out of life, my self-expectations were some of the most destructive.

When I get my own behavior to align with what I want, the law of attraction is most effective. I can be open to opportunity and ready to take advantage of it when it comes. I can headoff some major issues that stem from conflicts I could have avoided with a little advance planning, and I have a way to measure my progress toward my ideal life. The benefits are huge.

Keep your expectations flexible

Expectations are merely that. It’s like passing a law. It outlines what you want to happen, and to some extent, what your response will be if it does, or doesn’t, but it has no real power to change anyone’s behavior. It simply exists to give you a framework for planning your life.

Being intentional about what you expect allows you to keep in mind that things change. In fact, the only thing that is constant in life, is change. When we allow others to be who they are, and we don’t lock them, or ourselves, into expected patterns of behavior, beyond what is reasonable, we free ourselves up to respond from our best selves.

Be ready to change your expectations. Every now and then it’s healthy to take an inventory. Is this still what I want? Am I being fair to myself and others, or am I out of whack. When you see that an expectation no longer fits, or circumstances require you to reassess, take the time to intentionally inform your subconscious of what you want.

This may sound really simple, but it is. In actuality, when we engage our conscious minds to shape what we want out of life, life becomes simpler. We are able to focus on what really matters to us, and ignore, to a large extent, the rest. We are able to put our time and resources towards the things that will move us closer to living our ideal lives.

Communicate about your expectations with others.

While I wouldn’t suggest, “Look, if we’re going to be sharing a cubicle together, here are a list of twenty things I’m going to expect from you.” Some form of communication to let others know how you view close working and personal relationships is a good idea. When we have hidden expectations, it’s easy for us to “punish” those around us for things they had no idea we wanted.

By taking the time to clearly express what you want out of your relationships, you can save a lot of grief. While it may not always be easy to express these things, without it seeming like a list of demands, when we take the time, we find out a lot from the other person about what they expect from us.

Remember, no one is obligated to live up to your expectations, unless they are contractually bound to them, in which case, they can still actively choose to disappoint, you just have recourse against them you wouldn’t otherwise have. By getting people to agree to, or at least acknowledge as reasonable, what we expect, we make it clear how we view the relationship and what, in our minds, constitutes a successful relationship.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

When we expect too much, or too little, or the wrong things out of life, we set ourselves up for unavoidable, and often painful disappointments. If we insist on our own way, it can lead to more unmet expectations. But, when we allow for changes, go with the flow and allow the universe to move through and around us, without resistance, things get easier.

While we are magnificent creatures, to be sure, I am only one in eight billion units that all have similar expectations out of life. It’s essential for me to remember this. That many autonomous beings makes it impossible for me to get everything I expect. That is just reality. When I remember this, I do well, on days I don’t, I make it hard for myself and everyone I come in contact with.

If you’re really looking to move into your ideal life, it is essential that you learn this truth. You don’t know everything. In fact, it is impossible for you to get a bird’s eye view of your own life, as it exists today, let alone map out the exact path you should take to reach your ideal life. The universe not only sees all of this, but you are connected to every resource you could possibly need to achieve it.

By allowing things to happen, remaining grateful, reducing my specific expectations, celebrating progress, rather than worrying about where it comes from, or how it happens, I find myself moving quickly toward my ideal life. When I don’t, I find myself wondering if I will ever move in the right direction again.

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