My Golden Buzzer

I noticed something about myself recently. A confirmation that I have made great strides on this journey of reconnecting with myself and others.

I would like to share my experience in the hopes that it may be helpful to anyone who has ever felt lost.

What I noticed was that I have been able to consistently be at peace with where I am in any given moment. I allow myself to feel, but then to let go. I have found a love for myself that is nurturing and safe. Alleviating the need to constantly search for it in something or someone else. In times of sorrow, I reflect. In times of anger, I reflect.

And in times of joy and peace, I savor.

It has allowed me to fill my mind with appreciation. Appreciation that holds me together during times of hurt and disappointment. Appreciation that helps me grow in those moments of reflection.

It brings me to a peaceful state of gratitude. Where I stand strong and ready to move forward.

As a result, I have found that people's opinions no longer carry such a hefty weight. Sure I value them and take them to heart, but in the end any decision I make will be mine alone.

Instead of spending all day on the phone asking people what I should do about something, I ask a few in my inner circle for their thoughts, ponder them for a while and then when the time is right I go with the decision that best resonates with me.

It may sound like a simple, normal process to some, but for me it was not. I would over think every situation I was faced with. However big or small, I would over think it to death. Which meant I was always thinking about the fact that I had to make a decision about it and all the possible outcomes. I am pretty sure that is what they mean by driving oneself insane. I was on my way to crazy town thinking like that. Where is the joy in any of those moments?

That was the problem. After years and years of winding myself up into a state of exhaustion, I had slowly pushed away all my joy, all my peace of mind. I didn't know what was genuine anymore. I was physically present, but never really there. It is what eventually caused me to up root everything and move to Colorado.

It has been two years now and when I look back on that time, that person, well I don't know if I could even begin to explain it to you.

Becoming aware of such a powerful shift in my consciousness was much like the Golden Buzzer on America's Got Talent...haha

The scene goes in slow motion as you see the joy rise up in them as the confetti covers their face. Its that gasp for breath as they try to comprehend the gravity of what has just happened. All their hard work and dedication has lead up to that moment and in a split second their lives are changed.

Only this time its my Golden Buzzer...its my hard work and dedication that is changing my life, changing me for the better. :)

Not very long ago I wrote to you about a challenge I had given myself after reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I decided to tackle the most challenging of the four: Don't Take Things Personally.

For along time this had been a major struggle in my life. Much to the point where it was turning me in to a recluse. My mind was always distracted from the moment at hand, thinking about what others may think of me, needing their approval. It made me so uncomfortable that I just stopped socializing.

I remember one day in reconnecting with my uncle after many years, he made an observation that finally made me aware of the shift in myself that had taken place in my life (some time in college I'm guessing).

We were talking and I made the comment that I didn't go out much because I wasn't a social butterfly.

"What?! You have always been super social, what are you talking about?"

I was flooded with emotion. It was like this switch finally turned on a light inside of me that had been dormant for years. He was absolutely right. Back when we lived together (just after I graduated high-school) I was always out socializing. And I remember being pretty fearless. I was who I was and although I would adhere to social graces and common courtesy, I didn't really care that much about your opinion of me.

Having social anxiety was just the story that I had been telling myself over and over again for years. So long that there was no doubt in my mind that it was true. But it wasn't true.

For me, the cure for my anxiety was merely mastering a way to find peace in any circumstance no matter how uncomfortable. Surrendering to what is without losing sight of what is yet to come.

When I learned to appreciate the excitement of life's challenges, I was able to be grateful for the experience. Because all those challenges and experiences are what makes me who I am.

And that is exactly what was missing. For all these years, that something I had been searching for was me.