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...but allowing them to determine how we live, how we see other people around us in the community, that's the mistake...

Further after this sentence you said that we shouldn't allow ourselves to be shaped by the bad experiences we have gone through. There is a saying that "not all fingers are equal", you can't expect people not to allow themselves to be shaped by what is going on because most times they are stuck in such situation, they can only manage to beat through what is going on and not to refuse shaping.