The Subtle Art of Saying “NO”

When we were young, we were raised to say “Yes” to almost everything. At least that was our education system. The teachers expected us to absorb everything as gospel truth. We were not allowed to question anything. We were like the people Kanye West sang about, “some people graduate, but be still stupid. They tell you reqd this, eat this, don’t look around, just peep this.”

The African child was raised to say yes to everything, he or she was raised as a sponge, you were not allowed to question anything. As a result, we’ve grown up with that “yes” mentality. We say Yes to everything, we tolerate everything, we are willing to stick with any poor service, we are willing to look on as things go wrong. In a subtle way, we’ve been raised to be the “nice guys.”

When I was younger and less experienced, I thought one got ahead by saying “yes” to everything, by being the nice guy, by being the person who accepted to everyone’s request.

Now that I am a bit older, I have learned that if you want to have the worst of life, be the person that says “yes” to everything.

I have learned that it is only after we have trained ourselves to say “NO” to a million things that we can be able to create time to say “yes” to the things that matter.

I remember when I used to appear on Television. I would accept every request to appear on a TV show to share an opinion. As time went on, they even begun to call me hours to a show and ask me to be part of a certain show. Somehow I had become their back-up plan to the extent that they didn’t bother to book me in advance, they always knew it was a “yes.”

While plying my trade as a journalist, we had certain names for those sources who were always a sure deal. There is one political scientist at Makerere who is darling of the newsroom. Whenever they need a quick source, he is always available. He is the “yes” man.

But experience has taught me that no one values the “yes” man. Instead people will simply take advantage of you and use you to advance their own goals. You will be their back-up plan. You will be the guy they sell any sort of trash, the one they invite to any sort of fake event. You will be the person in office whom everyone dumps their backlog on and they take all the credit. You will be the one who is always lending money to people and they keep on defaulting.

The first step in maturity is learning to say “NO.” The first step in achieving happiness is learning to say “NO.”

You will be invited to tens of events, but you must learn to say “NO” to most of them. Only by doing that can you have time to attend the events that really matter. Of course it is hard to learn this art of saying “NO” but as with all things, practice makes perfect.

On average, I receive at least 5 monetary requests every week, some from friends, some from family. Whereas I am passionate about giving and helping, I realize that if I chose to respond to every request, I would ran bankrupt in an hour.

You can’t meet everyone who requests to meet you. You can’t attend every function you are invited you. You can’t help everyone who requests for your help. You can’t accept every guy that vibes you. You must be very serious about applying the filter of “NO.” You can’t buy everything that is sold to you. You just can’t say YES to everything.

One of the things that really help make my life simpler and fun is the fact that I have learned to say “NO.” And I realize that the more I say No, the more I create space for things that really matter in my life. You can’t take up very opportunity that is offered to you.

I know society has primed us to think that saying NO is being rude or mean but I have never seen anyone get on top of anything, be it a field or a venture by Saying “YES” to everything.

So I implore you to start taking pride in saying “NO.” It may cost you friendships, it may prove costly in the short-term but in the long-term, you really gain.

My one rule is something I got from Mark Manson. He says it is either a “Hell Yeah” or a “NO.” If I don’t say “hell-yeah” to something right away, I know it is not right for me and I dump it immediately.

Entrepreneur Derek Sivers summarizes it perfectly;
“If you’re not saying “HELL YEAH!” about something, say “no”.

When deciding whether to do something, if you feel anything less than “Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! Hell yeah!” — then say “no.”

When you say no to most things, you leave room in your life to really throw yourself completely into that rare thing that makes you say “HELL YEAH!”

Every event you get invited to. Every request to start a new project. If you’re not saying “HELL YEAH!” about it, say “no.”

We’re all busy. We’ve all taken on too much. Saying yes to less is the way out.”