Hilarious First Dates

I went on a date sometime ago and it did not end well. When I returned, I did a Q & A post.

I asked my friends this question:

“What’s the reason, both silly and sensible, that you’ve given for not going on a second date with someone?"

The answers were varied and some were downright hilarious! Some were quite sensible too and should serve as dos and don’ts of first dates.
So I decided to compile some of those answers here.

Strap in and enjoy the ride. I promise, you’ll have a good laugh.

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Opeyemi:
We came back to my apartment and we were ready for romantic action. When I brought out my protective jacket, she objected. She insisted we do it like Adam knew Eve! I asked her why.
“I want to carry your baby,” she replied.
I lost the courage to carry on!

Yours truly:
The guy monopolized the conversation. He had our lives all planned out.

“We’re going to get married within 6 months because I don’t have time to waste. We’re going to have 4 children; two boys and two girls. I'll let you, my wife, continue with your law practice, only if you remain humble.”

After the date, we stopped at a fuel station. The fellow in front of us finished buying petrol but didn’t immediately move his car.
That’s how my date jumped out of the car and started screaming.

“Move this car, you bastard!” Come on move this piece of trash before I f**k you up! “Look at this bagga o! It’s your type I will beat up and throw in the guard room for 2 weeks and feed you only bread and water.”

Stunned and embarrassed, I slid down in the front seat, until I was sitting on the floor, under the glove compartment.
As soon as he dropped me at my gate, I called my friend and warned her never to set me up again. I stopped picking his calls. Sheesh!

Enwongo:
He called Chelsea ‘chelshit’. That was the end of our conversation.

Kemjy:
Him: “Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?”

Me: “I would be done with a project management course, working on my German and Spanish languages training and brewing to get set for law.”

Him: “Wow. You think too highly for a girl.”

I just knew that my triplets deserve a better man to father them.

Yetunde:
He shouted at the waiter. He was so rude to the service people!!

Samuel:
She said she hates poetry and doesn’t read novels. And that was it!

Funmilayo:
The first statement out of his mouth was, “Wow! You are beautiful, but you need to lose weight. Don’t worry I’ll fix that.”

November:
My date told me he couldn’t wait to “Ravish me like Indomie noodles.”

Sherifat:
Dude said, "I know you will be good in sex, as an Edo babe. ‘I love sex a lot o, and I love anal sex’.’
I hightailed it out of there.

Funmi:
You see that whitish saliva that gathers at the corner of the mouth? Naaaa, I kent deal. For the 35 mins he talked, I didn’t hear one word; all I could think about is how to take a tissue and clean the sides of his mouth.

Oh, and he also had that okra spit that connects to the middle of the upper lip and lower lip, that refused to break connection as he spoke. Halfway through the date, I claimed to have menstrual pain.
#shudders

Chukwuba:
It all ended when he opened his mouth to speak. This guy’s mouth was smelling like regret and shame.

Tosin:
She asked who the beneficiary of my Dad’s will.

Yours truly:
He was a noisy eater. As in, you could hear him chew and swallow. The ‘kpuooood’ swallowing noise kept turning the heads of the other diners in the restaurant.

Emem:
He told me he was wearing a white shirt. I got there first and started looking round for a person in a white shirt. Then this devilishly handsome guy in a BLACK t-shirt taps me on the shoulder. When I expressed my surprise, he said and I quote ‘I wanted a chance to bail in case you weren’t pretty.’

Ndubuisi
She was so rude to everyone, starting with the parking lot attendant to the waitress at the restaurant. Talked to them like they were trash. However, she was very well mannered and sweet with me. Never again!

Uchay
He scattered the entire plate of rice on the table and left chicken pieces on the floor.

Lahrah:
After the first date, he said he wanted “a matured” picture of me on BBM. I sent one of me in a nice suit.

His reply was “Come on, baby, you should be matured than this. I need a MATURED picture of you. I promise to delete it immediately.”

That was my cue. I deleted him on my BBM, blocked on Facebook, WhatsApp and blacklisted his lines on my phone.

Olubudun:
It was a date for one that turned to a date for me, her and four of her friends. I just excused myself and went home.

Estrianna:
He was damn tall and I was very short. His waist was practically in me face! To make matter worse, he commented that he liked the fact that “waist to head, no time” and winked as he said it.

When I ordered only a drink, he was so happy and said, “Thank God you aren’t a glutton!”

Ok, time to kick you to the curb, sucker!
I told him I needed to go and feed my child.
He choked on his drink.

Onyinye:
I knew I wasn’t giving him a second chance when he stood me up for six hours and his excuse was, “I’m not always free you know’. No apologies.

Blessing:
February 14, 2015.
We both agreed to watch the movie “Kingsman; The Secret Service.”
When we got to the cinema ticket desk, he insisted that we must watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey,” because it was Valentine’s day.

Precious:
It was going on well, until he started digging his fingers into his nostril, brought out the debris, smeared it and snap it off his fingers.

Zara Onyeoma:
He said, “I really hope this works out between us because I so want to marry a biracial woman. You’ll give me such cute babies with long hair.”

Olawumi:
He had a package with him. So when he told me to close my eyes for a surprise, I gladly did so.
The idiot kissed me in full glare of everyone. I told him to close his eyes, that I also had a surprise for him. When he did, I landed a well-deserved slap on his cheek.

Olubunmi:
He came to visit me and then said he needed the loo. Jesus is Lord! His shit stank my flat for days. But he was a nice guy. So, I friendzoned him.

Eyak:
He walked into my office after his pastor ‘recommended’ me. Cute guy, we exchanged numbers. Next thing I got a text from him saying, “You are my wife, that is all I have to say.” I quickly deleted his number.

Azeezat:
Dude rolled in for the date wearing a very pink shirt, white gatored trousers and very blue suede shoes. The entire conversation was about his ex. Coupled with very bad grammar and horrible mouth odour.

Modesola:

Guy said, “I chased away my four girlfriends because of you.”

I was like, “Huh? Bye, Felicia.”

Enwongo:
He told me he had a name for me. When I asked him what it was, he said “Blessing” and pronounced it as “Blayzzing.”
I kept telling him ‘Blessing’ and he’d reply, ‘Yes, Blayzing.”

Tonte:
He opened his mouth and said God told him I am his wife, and thank God I’m working, so I can support his ministry.

Rianat:
He was looking at my breasts throughout the date and when we finally hugged, I felt his hard-on.

Olumide:
She couldn’t stop talking about her crush for the singer, Olamide. She called him names like ‘Yahoo Boy No Laptop’, ‘Baddooo’, ‘Daddy Miliano’ et al.
I knew she was too street to be my friend.

Zinzy:
He came to our first date with his priest! Then they spent the entire time sending me to get food and drinks while they deliberated over whether we were a good match or not.

Francis
I was the bad guy. First, I was late for the date.
Got to Marina Resort, had a great time. On our way to Tinapa, I met some friends who were heading to Emem Inn. I pleaded with babe that we should go with them.
At the end of that date, she sent a text, “I don’t think I can have something serious with you if you can’t keep to time and plans, what sort of man does that?”

I just kept quiet and learned seriously from that incident.

When we exchanged pleasantries, she said, “How is families doing?”

I said, “Pardon?”
She said, “No, you didn’t do me anything.”

That was the end.

Mimi:
The guy kept talking about his late mother, how he promised himself that whoever that will be the second woman in his life must “fit into his mother’s shoes/slippers.”

Habiba:
When he said I was a woman and needed to stay home with the kids.

Unwana:
As we waited for the bill, he said, “How much would I have to spend to take you home with me this night?”

Thinking he was joking, I also flippantly replied, “Not even all the money in the world.”

He said, “Are you not a woman? With time and money I will get the finest of you. Then he brought out two wads of 1,000 naira notes and slapped it on the table.

I got up and walked away.

Opeyemi:

In less than an hour, she had downed 4 bottles of beer. We smelt weed coming from a nearby chalet within the garden and she politely excused herself to go find out. She came back with some wraps of marijuana and politely asked me if she could light up.

I had to cut the date short by feigning tiredness. She asked if she could follow me home that night and I replied, “Some other time, please.”

Nuel:
From the word go, the girl acted like she owned. “My dear… my darling… my love… tell me you love me… you know I can’t live without you… when can I come spend weekend? My husband. Should we do a big traditional wedding? On and on, while I kept looking at the clock. I couldn’t pray hard enough to make her stop touching me.

Oma:
On our first date, he told me I must make sure I wash my pants and bras well, because he doesn’t like girls that wear the same pant for two days.

Olasupo:
He said he wanted to take me to where they sell barbecued fish. As we approached the fish stand, he said, “Babe, that’s where the barbecued fishes are sold, but I’m not buying o. I just want you to feed your eyes.”

Senami:
The date was at a motel in my area, which I’d never noticed before. At his insistence, we had soft drinks at the bar. Then he said we should go and relax in one of the rooms.
Na so I run for my life.

Afoke:
I wasn’t feeling well and we went to a pharmacy to get meds. To this day, I don’t get how it started. Next this, the guy and the attendant were fighting. I wanted to die of shame. I took one step at a time back wards, hailed a cab and got out of there.

Chinenye:
I have never seen anyone eat the way he did—his teeth made the most annoying noise on the fork each time he put it in his mouth like a carpenter shaving wood. Then saliva mixed with food at the corners of his mouth.
He kept going on about how I should eat and add some flesh, that he likes his women fleshy. He also kept talking about his exes.

Then he excused himself to go get something and came back with a cup of ice cream and one spoon.

“I bought this for two of us.”

He licked the ice cream until half of it went down and then used the spoon to clean the corners of his mouth, licked it and then gave me the cup to continue where he stopped.
I said I was watching my weight.

He said, “Okay,” did not leave the cup until he scraped it bald. I knew it was the end of it.

Ifeyinwa:
He asked me to make my mum get me an Arsenal jersey when she travelled to the UK. I told him she would not even hear of it.

He said, “Then your mum doesn’t love you.”

😂😂😂

I hope you enjoyed reading these.

Do you have any funny or annoying first date experience? You can go ahead and share in the comment section.