23 Expert Tips For Having a Shitty Life

Receive all your business strategy advice from your friends in a 'pays the bills' type job. They are the ones to tell you whether your new startup will succeed or fail. Encourage them to talk to you about risk taking and the character traits of entrepreneurs, as gleaned from books they've read and conversations they've had with others in salaried employment.

Continue to receive nutritional/supplement advice from people you wish to look nothing like. Let them coach you on what exercise regime they don't use, gets the best results and why you should really start using a product they themselves don't take.

Always use opinionated single-user-experience reviews read on the internet as just cause for not trying something new for yourself. Find scathing write-ups that justify your deep excuses not to change anything about your life. You are right.

Complain regularly. Pepper your spoken dialogues with choice negative words such as 'no', 'not, 'can't', 'don't', 'won't, 'shouldn't' and 'bad'. Lecture others using the same terminology in an attempt to scare them off a new idea so as to reinforce your way of life. They can never be right if they are too down-beaten to try it.

If everyone does it, this does categorically and unequivocally mean that whatever 'it' is, is o.k. to do. This stands even more so when endorsed by celebrities in a movie or on TV who as we know, in no way profit from their manufactured publicity. Take this as gospel and as a behavioural blue print you should also follow.

Spend all your hard-earned money on alcohol and other forms of perishable recreation. This way you 'give back' and show your support for the system, which in turn will pay you back more money the next month in your salary. Thus the circle of life continues.

Adopt other people's negative emotional state when approaching a challenge or obstacle in your own life. Allow them the kindness of projecting their fears onto you so as not to be confrontational or make them angry. Understand their experience will probably be yours as well as you are all one and connected and stuff.

Avoid the hurt of love by staying alone.

Receiving failure after failure in something will only reinforce how much of a failure you really are and make you feel really shitty. Successfully avoid this condition by quitting early so you can hold your head high.

It is too risky trying to guess which religion is the right one. Please ALL the Gods by praying to all of them. Double-down on your chances of entering heaven by telling each of them one by one, privately that they are your favourite.

Steer clear of meditation, yoga, and other spiritual practices that require you to go inward. If God wanted you to look inside, your eyes would be inside of your skull. This is scientific fact. Everything you need to observe is outside. Such practices are nothing more than neo-hippie nonsense that take valuable time away from other more outwardly, profit-producing activity.

Take what you can from every situation. Of course you can also give back, if you no longer want something you've previously taken or are finished using it.

Avoid all travel where possible. Foreigners are known for their backwards thinking, strange food, being foreign and being sometimes ...terrorists. Stay familiar. Stay safe.

Show the world you've got what it takes and can do it all by yourself by never asking for help. If something falls apart, make sure you blame someone else for it and say that was the one thing you delegated.

Blame circumstances, parents and teachers for everything wrong with the ongoing unfoldment of your life. Anchor yourself staunchly in the past so you can more accurately predict the future, realistically.

Surround yourself with people who have or are doing less than you in life so as to boost your self-esteem and help you feel more accomplished and superior. Ask them questions where you know they will come up short so you can gloat and assert your dominance in that area of life. Remember you CANNOT be the champion if you also surround yourself with champions. It stands to reason.

It is perfectly normal to be unhappy. This is life. It is not a bowl of cherries. Steer clear of delusions of happiness. The sooner you accept reality as it is the less disappointed you will be in the long run. Find examples of other unhappy people to see that it is in fact perfectly O.K. not to be o.k. and you will a sense of overwhelming belonging, that you are all not O.K. together.

Remember if you want something, there are probably countless other people who want that same thing, person or situation too. The odds are stacked against you. Don’t waste precious energy trying to get these things. Move on to something in less demand or in no demand at all. Find something that no one wants and convince yourself that you want it through the power of your mind. Then you will feel great that no one has it but you.

If you never try then you never fail. Stay a winner by only attempting things you know 100% you can already do.

Always prioritise material status over spiritual and biological gain. Eat cheaply so that you can afford more expensive clothes, phones and bags. Routinely purchase on credit because many banks are offering very reasonable interest rates and when those sales end, those shoes will go back up to full price.

Imagination is best reserved for children. Use cold rational thought, analysis and Excel spreadsheets for all future projections of your current mind. Remember: If you can see an image in your mind, then that is where it feels most at home. It's not nice to take to take such images out of their home.

Remember on the whole, you are wholly insignificant, cannot make a difference and will die in a few years anyway but, there is a silver lining - you can still be remembered fondly as a nice person who was pleasing and did nice stuff and was nicely pleasant.

By continually working very hard, you will find very little time for doing those meaningless things you love so much, thus filling your life with real purpose and other people will love you for being a 'hard worker'. You will never have time to lament not having the life of your dreams when you constantly dream to even have a life.

Be forever remembered as young and vital. Let it be known with age comes wisdom. But to grow wise you must first grow old and no one likes listening to old people, a wise man once said. Burn out quick. Live a highly toxic life and save everyone the burden of your unsolicited, nostalgic regaling by dying young, while still in your prime and culturally relevant.