My Useless Superpower

in humor •  2 months ago

Just the other day I was bantering with a friend back and forth about useless super powers. We came to a conclusion that hers was having immaculately styled hair while she was at home. It’s as if she’d just stepped off the catwalk without even trying to be beautifully styled, that was just her god given gift. As soon as she left those doors it’d become a right mess. Either wind would blow it out of order, it’d rain, or some unseen chemical reaction in the air caused by opening the door to the outside world would send it into some sort of dishevelled frenzy or a flattened stack of locks sporting a very suggestive cowlick.

Mine is just as underwhelming, consisting of the ability to come up with witty ground-breaking comments that would neutralise any heated situation on the verge of a full blown out pub brawl, broken and bloodied noses all avoided! Problem is, I’d come up with the comment when the event was well and truly over, and a few bodies had already been hospitalised. It’s like starting a joke from the end, it just doesn’t make sense anymore and is rendered irrelevant. Pretty sure this has landed me a spot in the League of Underordinary Gentlemen, or woman in my case.

Oh yes, I had fun with this, coming up with useless superpowers, like the person who turns objects into Skittles upon touching them. Of course, that’s not a real thing, that’s from a Skittles advertisement, wild tangents abound! How about turning A grade ripped when no one was around or looking at you, I suppose you could flip a few marble tables and have perplexed faces when you grabbed attention from the shattered glass windows or cracked and caved in floors, you could never take credit for such a feat. What about the ability to taste walls and floors, did you know they actually have a proper flavour, a strong infusion of something that resembles salted cucumber skins and cinnamon bark. If you ever want to tell if your dealing with a real wall, put out a call to ‘Flall Guy’, no floor or wall can ever hide from his unrelenting tongue.

Speaking of useless, I must share with you a website that showcases this skill exquisitely. It is powered by artificial intelligence and I’m worried if this is the level at which artificial intelligence is operating, our lives are probably more so in danger than we realise. The site is called inspirobot and it generates an endless stream of inspirational quotes, beautifully situated over an emotionally moving image. I’m sure there’s some algorithm that lets it choose its words against the context of the image, or not. Some of the images it generates make you question its intention of seriousness. Let me show you what I mean:

Courtesty of inspirobot.me

I’m sure this site generates the daily ethos by which the League of Underordinary Gentlemen live their lives by. So, what about you, does your useless superpower make you a worthy League candidate?

** Powerless stuff

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Mine's a bit like yours. It's coming up with a really great retort to an insult, the day after the event. I'm also great at realising that an argument is completely invalid in the same sort of time frame.

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Do you think it may be an over analytical thing. Realising an argument is pointless is gold, means you don’t have to waste your energy!

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That's actually a good way to look at it. Now I think of it, the likelihood of me convincing the other of its invalidity is probably unlikely anyway. Once someone believes something, they're unlikely to let go of it that easily.

Your friend should stream with that glorious hair from indoors.
Let technology pick up the slack.
You can join in, using your witty repartee to win debates; just pretend the long pauses are buffering.

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Too right, she could do her hair thang, I’d sit in and then I could come in later with my part, maybe like a week later. No one would watch it’d be great! Hahaa

Ah ah ah!!! My useless superpower is to be always late to the party... and to leave just before the best thing happens!

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Bummer! That’s a good useless one, imagine all the stories you could have told :P

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I really enjoyed the IA quotes lol

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So easy to spend 15 minutes there just watching it generate the quotes. Some are just insanely funny.

I would like to think I am talented but sadly I lack any imagination. 🤓

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Your talents lay elsewhere, I believe your imagination is in there though!

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Haha… this post is great. I have to disagree with your superpower being ‘underwhelming’, it’s actually quite amazing! The mere fact that you come up with these incredibly perfectly engineered responses well after the situation ensued is a minor detail… I encourage you keep going strong with all of that superpower bravado you have there.

On the other hand I’m not sure what my super power would be 🤔… maybe it’s the way I’m totally blind in real life but if the tiniest of spiders runs across my ceiling at night, lights out, while watching Judge Judy (previously recorded of course) then I will zero in on him, flip on every light and demand my husband take care of business. He’s equally as impressed with my bug hunting eyesight… does this count? 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Haaa that’s brilliant! You’re definitely in the league, we need a warrior. Maybe you’re channeling judge Judy’s carnal ruthlessness and no perpetrator goes in-judged. Maybe you had an incident with a spider in a past life and therefore have a sharp awareness for them. They’re not the most approachable looking animal are they.

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It’s not just limited to spiders either… any bug within a ten foot radius will be scouted and most will run or fly or slither right up to me 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s like I’m The Bug Attractor. A very daunting responsibility indeed :)

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I’m the husband she’s referring to and I’m here to vouch for her.

She can’t read her own name on her drivers license, street signs don’t stand a chance and if a movie has subtitles - Forget it!!

BUT! In a strange country, a strange room, pitch black dark, she’ll spot a spider in a completely different room, in a different house, in a completely different country.

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Hahaa the spider whisperer. You just need to find movies with subtitles and street signs where the lettering is made out of spiders.

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Um.. you get the brilliant award of the day! Genius!!

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Haha thank you :D