How to Foster a Vegetable, an Instruction

My article caused some heated discussion when I posted it to livejournal.com, totaling 195 comments. I tried to update it, and hope it would at least amuse you.

The presentation style is quite peculiar, so I consider the translation of this text to be difficult, but my translator is rather quite good, so I trust him to be up to the challenge!))

How to foster an ideal child, who would be able to “fit in” and live their life ”as they should”? What could be better, than a wonderful life of following the rules, and the safe journey on the beaten track?

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As the books about being successful tell us — one should start with themselves, so you should to exactly that. Make sure to remember that the child is the most important thing in your life. Forget living for yourself and be sure to direct all your thoughts and efforts towards the upbringing of the child. They will surely thank you for your effort! And even if they don’t you could always remind them just how much effort you’ve sunk into them.

As soon as the small creature is born, take to heart the following rule: the child is its own worst enemy as far as their health and destiny are concerned. It is stupid and unreasonable, doesn’t know what it is doing, with its main ambitions being falling of a garage roof, or get hit by a truck.

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It learned to crawl? Leave it in the playpen. Learned to walk? Lead it by its hand only. You can achieve the best results if you instill fear of the surrounding world. “Careful! Otherwise you’ll fall down, and break your head! Break your arms and legs!”

Children are so stupid, that they don’t know for THEMSELVES when they are hungry. So you should spoonfeed them YOURSELF, until they learn to. Do not trust them to eat without your help, or they’d get messy, and that is something YOU would rather avoid, right?

It is fortunate that billions of parents walked that path before you, so you can use huge array of tricks that were invented for you. If your child stopped buying “a spoonful for mom”, or “look! its a car driving home”, it is the best time to instill some more fear into them by telling that they would starve, or wouldn’t grow up. Just use your imagination, ask the grandmas for advice, if YOU combine your efforts you’ll be unstoppable.

If your life sucks, and you neither became a great athlete, or famous painter, if you are so pathetic, that you’ve never got morning excercisies into habbit, it is a grat time to correct those mistakes. Do what you always wanted instead of letting your child, here is your chance!

The child needs some inspirational role models, so you should compare them to their schoolmates and fellows as often as possible. If you have several children set them to compete against eachother, that really helps their development. “Just take a look at John, he is getting only excellent marks, or take Jack, he studies karate and plays violin, you should follow their example!”

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Mix positive amd negative reinforcement — at every turn remind your kid how untallented and clumsy they are, that would motivate them to get better.

Try to mold your child to firmly beleive in the following ideas: “The world is a scary place full of woes and danger” and “I am the most vulnerable person in this world”. They would help them to stay clear of various dangers, turn away from bad company, and not get involved in any messy situations.

Friends are people who influence your child a lot, that is why you SHOULD tell them who to associate with, and who to stay clear of. They don’t know how to make good decisions yet, thats why. The child has turned 14-15 now, but still unable to make good choices (I wonder how that could possibly have happened?)

If your child caused some mischief in school, it is time for some harsh punishment. They’re talking back? The children are great liars, so you shouldn’t listen to their tall tales, just don’t. Remember that teachers and other grown ups are always right, and even if so happens that they are not, at least siding with them would instill some healthy respect for their elders in your child.

If you’ve followed all of those steps, then by the final schoolyear your child would be an ideal man-cog for the finely oiled machine. School — College — Nine-to-five Job — Retirement — Death. An excellent plan! There is no other better way, right?

Translated by @xanoxt