Caller beware

I have a general rule about phone calls.

A recorded message is never important.

I have been hanging up on them for years.

I have never missed out on anything important, as far as I can tell.

Besides, I can’t help but think that, should I win the Lottery for untold millions, they just might view that as being important enough to call.

Or not call.

If you don’t claim the prize, they get to keep it.

Sometimes, you have to fight them for it.

I read a story about a waitress in Iowa, who was left a shoebox as a tip.

Inside the box was $10K.

The waitress followed the customer to their car.

The customer said, yes they knew how much was there and they wanted her to have it.

Just to be safe, she called the police.

They came and took the money and said if no one came forward to claim it in 30 days, it was hers.

At the end of 30 days, they wouldn’t give it to her.

They said it was probably drug money and would be donated to the department.

Bastards.

She took them to court and the judge gave it to her.

Let that be a lesson to you.

If you ever come across serious “Found” money, hide it like a drug lord and bury it in the yard.

As for phone calls.

There are two categories of auto calls.

The first is crappy businesses.

Carpet cleaners, maid services, auto detailing…etc.

Basically service people.

Due to the Do Not Call Registry, they can’t call the regular residents, but businesses are fair game.

I’ve never used them, but I can see why they do it.

The other category is political calls.

And its an election year.

Both sides are pretty slimy when it comes to this.

The recorded message always sounds like you would expect the narrator for a kiddy porn film to sound, describing all of the evil the other candidate is planning.

It always leaves me feeling like I need a shower.

Sometimes the political call is made by a human being, sort of.

It is usually a retiree, who can read the script.

But, I have noticed that these people are not wired for fun.

And by fun, I mean me screwing with them.

I got a call the other day from an older woman who said her name was Betty and she was calling for Barak Obama, and did I have time to talk.

I thought for a quick second.

I could hear people in the background, so I knew she had to be in a little call center somewhere.

I almost started laughing.

“Betty? I am on my way to where you are at to make calls, too. I think you and I sat together before.”

This went on for 5 minutes, during which, I did the following:

• Got Betty to save me an open seat.
• Got Betty to say that she thinks she remembered me from high school.
• Got Betty to admit that she had been shopping with my wife.
• Got Betty to find out if there is any decaf from whoever the Supervisor is there.
• Attempted to explain myself for the 3 seconds the Supervisor before he hung up on me.

That is better than a cup of coffee to perk you up.

I would be ashamed, but when you pick up the phone and call me, you came into my yard to cause trouble.

All bets are off at that point.