Funny One Liners

Seems like it has been snowing for a week here.
I've been off work for a month. Slipped on the road and went down flat on my back with my head bouncing off the ice. Lucky it was light traffic. Saw a few stars getting up. Anyway, I thought we all might need a good laugh.
Here are some of my favorite funny sayings.

"If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."

... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:

"Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!"

... and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.

A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.

There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.

When somebody doesn’t get something:

I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.

I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered him.

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.

Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

How stupid are you?
a) very
b) A
c) B

I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
Source

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It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

If brains were copper wire, you wouldn't have enough to make a dynamo to light a firefly's ass!

Source - Unknown

Know of any good ones.... leave them in the comments!