Recalibrating From Conditioned Strategies, Goals & The Creative Battlegrounds Of Not-Self...
Life before and after discovering Human Design are two completely different dimensions.
The deeper one enters into their deconditioning experiment, the more clearly it becomes just how powerfully conditioned we've been into ways of thinking, being, and operating from strategies that essentially had us banging our heads against walls much of our lives. Or at least that's been my experience thus far, only a year into my experiment.
There's a great degree of complexity to the mechanics of these human vehicles, and it's amazing what depths of insight can come from become aware of even just one component - be it a specifc open/defined center, gate, or channel. Likely, the biggest "ah ha's" that've come as understanding more of my design have been that of the impact of an open heart/ego/will center and the 12-22 channel.
Holy fuck, talk about shining light into a dark, messy, chaotic pit.
I'm 36 now, but have been well-aware for near two decades that I haven't exactly been "well." It became clear in my twenties that I was a bit of a neurotic mess, and that an attraction to the world of personal development / self-help / self-improvement was an almost-desparate seeking of something that'd enable me to "fix" what felt wrong, make sense of my inner chaos, and get on a straight course without all the scattered energy pulling me in different directions. Ha. Little did I know the complexities of what I was dealing with would only get more tangled in a deeper web of conditioning with such an approach.
(Of course, one key characteristic of the open-heart/ego/will not-self is that of striving for improvement. It'd be fascinating to know the statistics on just how many of the consumers of the multi-billion dollar self-improvement industry have an open-heart center, fuelling profits with that addiction to the illusion of "improvement.")
Over the last 15 years, I've been through some serious creative battles. Yet only recently, have I seemed to be gaining clarity on the dynamics behind them, how they've been the consequence of specific mechanics in my design and conditioned patterns...
I'd always been into music, excelled at it, and felt producing it was the end goal. Yet, somewhere around the age of 20, my relationship with (my goals for) it seemed to have underwent a radical transformation for the worse as it went from something playful I simply loved and enjoyed deeply, to this all-serious thing.
In hindsight, it's clear that I unknowingly allowed layers & layers external conditioning and not-self shadows to override the connection with my own body, its guidance and natural creative cycles. So, it happens, as we humans operate unaware of our designs and the dynamics of how these meat-suits are genetically structured.
The greatest opening through which I took on the most conditioning that 'led me astray:' the open heart/ego/will.
Sure enough, I felt that shadowy, compulsive need 'to prove' myself. I knew I had extraordinary talent, but perhaps felt unworthy unless I somehow proved it through the wordly success of status and power equal to that of celebrities, legends, and my role models. I knew I had above-average intelligence and creativity, but yet simultaneously doubted my inherent value, feeling as though I'd be a fraud unless I proved it via results that were externally validated according to societal standards of success. All classic open-heart not-self.
Meanwhile, I descended into self-help addiction, heavily influenced by strongly will-driven motivational dogmas and the cultural framework surrounding them which praised hustle, discipline, savageness, and attaining one's goals at all costs. And sure enough, true to the dynamics of open centers, I amplified and distorted all that - taking it on as the only way to possibly achieve what I was aspiring towards - because after all, all the external authority of the 'success gurus' agreed and convincingly preached it to be true. It all did make logical sense. And with the inherent insecurities of feeling worthless, had I not lived up to these ideals of the motivated, goal-oriented hustler, I took the bait hook, line, and sinker.
(Lest I not forget or underestimate the impact of my other open centers in the mix... the open head, taking in inspiration from all directions which may have no actual relevance to my particular path - surely, entertaining far too many ideas and theories of the self-help stuff that weren't actually helpful; the open ajna with its compulsivity towards certainty - affixing to many of the self-improvement concepts as though certain of their absolute, one-size-fits-all truth; and the open spleen, holding onto things - including ideas and relationship patterns with them, conditioned values, and outdated goals for far too long.)
It's almost sorta funny... how rebellious I'd always been, priding myself on being an "independent thinker," with a highly anti-establishment attitude, never fitting into mainstream culture... yet ending up subscribing to the dogmatic mindsets of this 'personal development' counterculture, chasing something that held promise to fill that hole of insecurity by 'empowering myself' to achieve an externally-based version of "success" that'd 'prove' something. All the while, somewhat sad, in that the core love I had for music in the first place got left behind somewhere, forgetting during the pursuit of it as some endeavor that 'had to be' all serious and disciplined.
So, I pursued production. Though perhaps following some of my design's wisdom, with that 12-22's creative energies coming in waves to be expressed when in the mood, or not, I hadn't done so with consistency. Many times, it went on the back burner. And many times reengaging with it, I continued to struggle with the process - finding it next to impossible to tap into the necessary flow through any sort of structured disciplined or intentional willpower.
I had my plans to 'put in the work.' Though like the saying goes, "if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Repeatedly, my attempts to initiate* and control the process and only ended up in chronic anger & frustration. Time and time again.
Of course, this would perfectly predictable, had I been aware of my design. There's no real mystery to this, understanding the way that 12-22 functions in impulse waves, that an open heart/ego/will center lacks the consistency of drive to push as hard as all the conventional motivational dogma holds sacred, and that I was trying to force things to happen to my liking on my timeline, as a Manifesting Generator with Emotional Authority.
For years, I'd been in this uphill battle, swimming upstream, banging my head against the wall. But, "persistence..." right? Or perhaps, 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.' Eventually, I had to exhaust myself with all the conditioned strategies. Burnout is inevitable when we're on the wrong track.
And here, now, as settling into a space of greater awareness of all these dynamics, there's an emergence of a new desire: not for success, as I'd been striving after all those years, but one for the trademarks of the Manifesting Generator living correctly: Peace & Satisfaction.
And it's a mindfuck, coming to acceptance of this.
Because for 16+ goddamn years, the goal was some specific externally-based outcome of results with music. I prioritized that, to the neglect of my own wellbeing & happiness, my marriage, connection with friends & family. I had nearly my entire sense of identity and self-worth hinged on some future scenario in which I'd eventually make "enough" music that'd finally have gotten some sort of recognition or reached some arbritary level of "success." (Simultaneously & indirectly, having discredited all I’ve accomplished so far through an unconscious affirmation it hasn’t been “enough.”)
And upon my marriage imploding, thinking the only way the sacrifice could have been worth it would be to finally pursue that "musical destiny," starting 2020 with some resolve to "make it happen..." I dove in - again, to the same fucking loop. Only to come to the realization: this isn't the relationship I want with music, myself, or life.
I've had enough experience to know that if I even attempt pushing with any sort of discipline to make music when the creative waves aren't there pulsing through that 12-22, the only result is a deeper descent into the hell of anger & frustration. No good music is gonna come out of it. And the whole goal of "success" is not worth repeating that experience of hell over and over again. Uh uh.
And here, maybe there's the challenge of that open-spleen, holding on too long to the goals that aren't conducive to my wellbeing. Maybe this is the point I need to let that old part of myself who identified so strongly with my musical ambitions die. Cuz for as resistant as I am to that, still conditioned into those extremes of motivational dogmatic belief systems and viewing the abandonment of goals that've held such huge weight for so long as "quitting" or "giving up," to persist as I have in spite of all these new awarenesses would be absolute fucking insanity.
Of course, the situation may not call for giving up music entirely. But, there's a serious recalibration of my relationship with it due. And it's definitely about time to give up my attachment to it looking like / playing out any particular way, according to the agendas of mind or ego.
The whole concept of it being some full-time thing... I'd be kidding myself to keep thinking that's a practical possibility. (Maybe it was Neptune conjunct South Node in my 5th house that had me delusionally thinking it could be for so long). Given the maturity and wisdom gained through enough direct experience - setting all the external authories' belief systems and one-size-fits-all "success strategies" aside - I can probably be confident in the self-awareness to realize that if I can catch a couple decent waves a week when that 12-22 is pumping its creative juices towards my musical passion, I'll be lucky to paddle out for those two rides and produce what I can.
But more than that... it really wouldn't be at all self-loving to try push or force. Nor is it respectful or honoring myself to continue judging myself for being "lazy" or "procrastinating" when not forcing myself into some disciplined structure, actually flowing with my body's energy cycles.
"But short-term pain for long-term gains..." say the external authorities.
And here, we bump up against the knots of conditioning. Which gains are really worth a life experience of anger, frustration, and bitterness?
And for those of us with open heart centers: What's there to prove with/through those gains? If we're actually just chasing those goals out from those subconscious not-self shadows/insecurities, would any amount of external "success" ever truly be worth the cost of all the peace and satisfaction sacrificed in pushing ourselves against our nature?
Many of us have been so conditioned into the whole belief system of, "the ends justify the means." Yet, perhaps it's worth some serious reflection from time to time on why exactly we've set our sights on the ends we have - whether they're coming deeply from our heart & soul, or conditioning influences - whether the ends we really desire are some external outcome or status, or our internal experience as going through the process of life.
Of course, each individual is different, each's experience distinct.
Some are designed for certain external successes. Others, perhaps for an expansion of experience more inwardly.
And perhaps, we're even designed to go through these internal struggles of figuring shit out the hard ways sometimes, banging our heads against walls until cracking open to allow the light in. Maybe the difficulties of navigating all the not-self bullshit is part of some character development process.
Whatever the case, there eventually comes a tipping point of awareness where we realize the error of our ways and can't turn back. Where our eyes open to new dimensions of the dynamics we're moving through and new aspects of ourselves we've never been able to understand or articulate before.
Perhaps similar to if we had an extra limb, but not conscious control of it - and we've ran into placing it on a hot stove, but had neither sight to see it nor the depth perception to grasp where we were or what else was around us in these different dimensions we had no more sensory capacity to sense other than the pain.
Take a look around, and you'll see no shortage of us humans in pain... epidemics of depression, anxiety, addiction, how many other mental-emotional-spiritual disorders and their corresponding physical ailments. And no fucking wonder, when we've unconsciously had our hands on the hot stoves of ignorant cultural belief systems rooted in fear, anger, and frustration. No fucking wonder, when we've been completely blind to our openness through which we've taken in what's not ours, mistakenly identified with it, and attempted to operate as some robotic sheep in an artificially-constructed economic system rather than understanding our unique genetic blueprints as highly-differentiated individuals in a natural, organic, multi-dimensional evolutionary program.
So the process goes. We stumble around blind, in the dark, bumping into and tripping on things, creating even bigger messes. Until that spark of light. Until that activation, from which the light spreads for us to see more and more.
And perhaps only then, once we are able to clearly see where we are, who & what we are, are we in a position to truly be able to respond and create correctly.
Or maybe I still know nothing and that's my open ajna talking.
You choose for you.
(Whether incorrectly, from conditioning, or correctly, from your unique Strategy & Authority. Blue pill or red pill. Maybe getting your free Human Design chart - if you haven't yet - is the red pill.)