10 Urban Jungle Survival Tips
Could you survive if you got lost in the wilderness? Probably not. It always amazes me how people go on reality shows about being stuck in the middle of nowhere and are completely helpless. Did nobody think to Google, “Shit that might come in handy soon,” maybe catch a few episodes of Man vs. Wild, or even watch some episodes of the show they signed up for?
Wilderness survival doesn’t really matter now. Everybody is within screaming distance of a Starbucks. The only wilderness left are a few fenced off jungles where they record shows about people being lost. You are more likely to get lost taking a wrong turn off the New Jersey Turnpike than in a frozen tundra. You should be more worried about bath salt sniffing homeless people attacking you than a mountain lion. The only time anyone says they are dying of thirst these days is because they ran out of beer.
Here are some real life, practical, tips and life hacks on how to survive if you find yourself lost in the concrete jungle.
Many people don’t know this, but the only difference between cheap vodka and good vodka is how many impurities it has. Run your bottom shelf TAAKA through a twelve dollar Britta filter and pour it into an empty bottle of Grey Goose. That girl you are trying to put your penis in will never know the difference.
These days you can’t pay to spend the night anywhere that doesn’t have dead hooker blood stains on the mattress for less than $100. Everyone knows to recoup some of your losses by stealing pens, notepads, and shampoo, but you should also walk off with your key card. Breaking into houses is a snap with a driver’s license but if you get pulled over and hand the police your bent up ID he’s probably going to search your car. Not only are hotel key cards disposable, but they are sturdier than your state issued identification.
Did you know pantyhose are great for picking up lint? If you ever drop a screw on some shag carpet you can wrap pantyhose over your vacuum and pick up the screw and all the other earrings and shit you’ve been looking for. Pantyhose are also a great way to hide your face during a robbery. Why spend as much as twenty dollars on a ski mask you are going to have to dispose of anyway?
Oxy Clean is fantastic for removing blood stains from hotel sheets, but did you know it is also good for removing DNA? Tons of well-meaning criminals have found themselves behind bars because they watched Boondock Saints and think ammonia will get the job done. Wrong! You need the power of oxygen to break down that pesky hemoglobin.
Don’t throw out those old prepaid debit gift cards you got for Christmas after you’ve spent all the money on cigarettes. Sign up for websites and offers online that require a credit card. You don’t have to worry about cancelling that free trial to Netflix before they start charging you because they’ll be going after a nameless piece of plastic!
Don’t carry around a bottle opener keychain. They never work very well and make you look like an alcoholic. Instead, use your seat belt buckle.
This one is a no brainer! The reason female sanitary products exist is to sop up blood, like biscuits to gravy. Why stop at just collecting the runoff from the child you’ll never have while your biological clock runs out? Tampons fit great into bullet wounds. Maxi Pads close up stab wounds faster than you can say, “arterial laceration.”
Baking soda freshens up odors. It can also be used as toothpaste and even an antacid. Baking powder can also be used to make crack. When you sniff cocaine the drugs have to absorb through your mucous membranes before you feel the effects. Even then, most of the product drips down your sinuses into your stomach where stomach acid destroys it. Just mix a little baking soda and water with cocaine and heat to a simmer. The cocaine binds to the baking soda, resulting in a smokeable product which goes straight to the extremely thin tissue in your lungs for a much better high. You can sell it too!
Next time you are looking for a home or apartment, try to find one next to a motel or a coffee shop that offers free Wi-Fi. Buy a good router and you’ll never pay for internet again. If a password is required just wander around the building like you are supposed to be there and ask other customers if they know the password.
Phone chargers can cost as much as five, even ten dollars. Go to every hotel in town and say you lost your charger there. They’ve got tons! Every employee there has already stolen all the chargers they could ever need from the lost and found. They won’t even blink as they hand you the box full of lost cords. Go back again during the night shift and double up. You might as well get some free sun glasses while you are there too.
Great shit, especially like the tampon one. Always wanted to write into an action script where the female is saving some guy, he gets shot, so she pulls a tampon out of her purse and jambs it in the wound to stop the bleeding, when he winces in pain she tells him to stop being such a pussy.
I meant to Google if that would actually work or not... and then I didn't.
The Us Military invented an injection of multiple micro tampons that congeal the wound
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